When Risk Was Fun

My brother in law lives just under 3 hours from us out in the country. Since my parents in law came to visit them, we drove up to see them on Sunday. The morning drive was spectacular with fields of harvest corn and trees showing off their changing leaves like proud peacocks. We spent the day visiting with Special One's amazing and adorable 86 year old grandma and his parents, and we got to watch our nephew's football game.

We all grabbed dinner at a local pizzeria and as night started to fall, we got on the road. Special One has back problems so I now drive one or two legs of the journey. I wanted the first one since it was getting dark and I don't fancy night driving.

As we headed on out to the highway, I could feel my anxiety building. Out in the country the highway doesn't have lights and I really don't like not seeing what's ahead. You'd think with IF, I'd be used to being in the dark. I would have to shake my hands out every so often because I was gripping the steering wheel so tightly.

I got to thinking about how I used to drive like a madwoman all the time, recklessly and fearlessly. I loved the open road, my stick shift, my accelerator pedal, and feel of the steering wheel in my hand. You know, back when risk was fun.

But here I was now, trembling when I passed a truck or got near the slightest curve in the road. Luckily, I still feel comfortable on suburban streets and I do still love aggressive city driving downtown Chicago. But out here on this open, dark road, I was petrified. We were only 10 minutes out on the road so far but I was thinking hard. I asked Special One to turn off the music so I could concentrate on the road.

So as I drove I was wondering what made me this way now. Am I so jaded and negative that I expect bad things to happen at anytime? And thinking about how maybe I spend too much time focused on the negative and wondering if I bring bad things upon myself. You know, "The Secret". Or maybe I am just a pessimist that can't handle stress and for whom risk is no longer a thrill but instead risk is an acid that eats away at my personal strength. What has happened to me?

And then... there it was. A deer bounding into the road at the tip of my headlights. And then another one jumped out! In a panic my mind races. Were there more deer in dark off to my left? I couldn't see. Would the deer stop in the road!?! Will we crash into them?! I screamed my husband's name and then a big, slow, "Noooooooooooooo!" as if I had the power to stop it through denial or rejection.

And just as fast as they'd appeared, the deer had crossed the road and were already engulfed in darkness of the fields that lined the interstate. I was still driving but my body was shaking. My heart was pounding out of my chest.

Special One urged me to pull over and he took the wheel and drove the whole way home. I was left thinking the same things with IF. Every time I think I am being too hard or negative about my journey or a doctor and that I should trust more, something happens and I feel justified to be in my hypervigilant state.

"Could I have made those deer appear?" I asked Special One. He said, "It was a good thing you were so focused on the road because I didn't see the deer when you did. And honey, you didn't hit them. We're fine now."

Can anyone relate to this loss of confidence that things work out? Hypervigilence? Expecting the other shoe to drop? I mean, I've been trying to cycle since January and something is always getting in my way.