Making of Family - Moved blog...

Baptism

2009-04-24T11:41:00.000-07:00

I decided to rename my pseudonym. In recent discussions, I've come to realize that the word Soon is always elusive. It is always in the future. It is never now. I want to remove the temporal condition from my name. And anyhow, I've used soon for 2 years and it is time for a blogger rebirth.

With spring in the air and my love of gardening, I've chosen "Blossom and Her Fruit". I write this about myself and the fruits I create. Calling myself Blossom makes me feel like I can have a child (or two) and even blossom again in another year and bear yet more fruit.

Now I hope that saying "Blossom and Her Fruit" in your head doesn't make you start saying it to the tune of "Benny and the Jets". I have no idea where that came from but now it is struck in my head.

I am ready to receive. I sure hope you all continue to follow along with me on my new site. The only thing changing is the pseudonym and the URL.

Come. Walk a while with me...

http://blossom-and-her-fruit.blogspot.com/

The Train Has Left The Station

2009-04-23T12:30:00.000-07:00

So we got the call this afternoon! TOOT TOOT!!!! My progesterone is finally over the minimum 5 unlike last week. So tonight I start lupron. This is really happening. We are going to transfer back our frozen babies. I am so dang excited. I've never been so excited in this whole process.

I met with the hematologist this week who said my bloodwork looked more even this time but that she was still recommending lovenox treatment 40 units daily starting with my estrogen patches next week. This should be interesting. When I find out I'm pregnant, I am to continue doing them throughout the pregnancy.

As for my beloved buyers... they uncovered a radon issue in our house. Great, it appears that our basement rec room, where I spend every night of my life, has high radon. Sigh. So we need to get it mitigated immediately and professionally. I'd want it done and fast. I can't believe we've been living like this.

In other fun news, my fabulous neighbor decided our fence was on his property. Mind you, we bought the house with the fence already there and a plat of survey saying it wasn't on his property. I heard him out and validated his concern. I showed him the original survey 10 days ago, when he wasn't aware there was already an offer at that time. I told him I'd look into it and I did. I called the only survey company for their notes, contacted my attorney and we ordered a new survey. New one will take 3 weeks.

Well, this guy apparently got all upset when he saw the buyers at the house this weekend. Unbeknownst to us, he approached our buyers during their inspection and told them there was a fence encroachment on his property. He has no official survey to support his claim, he just thinks he knows. He could have scared away our buyers. I would have been weary of yucky neighbors. He never told us he did that even though he came and chatted with us later that day. I feel betrayed. I was doing my due diligence and he blindsided us trying to create problems. My guess is he is too cheap to pay for a survey and forgot that they are required in my area before closing on a house.

So I guess the old saying isn't true:

Now the buyers are asking for proof about the fence. Wouldn't you? I hope they aren't too aggitated and ready to drop the deal. We really are doing our best to make this painless and easy process for everyone. I am trying to remain calm and prepare for my FET and I don't need this. 24 more hours til the attorney review process ends. Can you tell I am stressed?

OK, but I do remember my good fortune. I have embryos. I have a loving husband. I bought a lovely house for my family. I am about to sell my existing home. Both homes were listed less than a week before the offers came in. I have my job, health and family. I have so much more too. I am grateful. I am very grateful. Ahhhhh I feel better. Counting your ''blessings'' really does make the world look nicer.

In the Motherhood

2009-04-21T11:57:00.000-07:00

Sometimes my TV set even makes me depressed about my fertility status. Am I the only one who wonders if Super Nanny will be on TV long enough to make an impact on your life?

The other day, Oprah had an episode about how hard it is to be a mom. It was on my DVR. Against better judgement, I started up the show. My DVR started malfunctioning for the first time and cut out the first minutes with strange static, then the ladies came on to talk about how hard it is for them for 60 seconds, then blackout again. I was like, "Sheez, even my DVR is against me!" (Although I found out later from some of you gals that I was lucky to have missed this show.)

Remember "Notes from the Underbelly"? That show about pregnancy aired and left before I ever got a change to get in there. And now this show?

In the Motherhood is the newest show... No idea if it is any good but I am not about to watch it.

On another note, our house buyers are pushing the limits. We haven't heard from their lawyer yet and we are on day 3 of the 5 day review. Makes us nervous! Hopefully we'll hear something back today.

In One Door & Out The Other

2009-04-17T11:10:00.000-07:00

Thank you for your prayers and wishes for a speedy house sale. After weeks of utter craziness, we listed our house last week. The couple that visited the house last Friday did, in fact, make an offer. After some back and forth, we finally signed the contract this morning!

We are thrilled to know that our house is officially under contract. In 5 business days, it will be out of attorney review and we'll be heading for closing.

The buyers have agreed to close a week after we close on our new house. That leaves us time to make a few fixes and move right in. Mostly and best of all, once this attorney review is over, the stress will dissipate and I'll be able to focus in on our frozen transfer that is coming up. I need to find peace again. This was 4 crazy weeks for me.

Yesterday, we did a progesterone check. Since my cycle likes to run longer recently, it appears my bloodwork said I wasn't ready to start lupron. So I'll bet that this time next week we'll be starting injections and gearing up for the most fabulous time of our life! Transfer. God, I love transfers. Babies, come home to me!

I also turned 36 this week and realized that I did not transfer back one single embryo my entire 35 year! So go 36! This is my time. I just feel it. I am ever closer to kissing my child's little forehead.

Lastly, Dr. Schoolie called this week and we decided we'd actually thaw all our embies and zygotes and transfer the 4 best. We hope we have 4 lovely day 3 embies to transfer.

I am putting it out in the universe and to God that:

Children,

We are ready for you
when you are ready for us.
We welcome you home.

We have found your first home
and will make special space for you there.

We can't wait to see you
and hope you feel ready to come home to us now.

We love you,
Mom and Dad

Location! Location! Location!

2009-04-10T13:16:00.000-07:00

Boy oh boy! I am pooped. I feel like I haven't sat down to relax in ages! Two weeks ago we put and offer on a house and it was accepted. After the 5 day attorney review period, we finally accepted that we were 99% sure we'll be moving into this new house!! Special One said he'd be sad to leave the house our marriage started in but happy to go to the ones our children will come home to. I thought that was so sweet.

The last 9 days, we've been trying to pack up, declutter, repaint, and make all the minor changes you have to make in order to sell. Our super friendly cat had to move to Grandma's until for a few weeks since he would likely leave with the people and jump into their car and snuggle.

I haven't been this tired ever! We just had our first showing. I ran cat 2 to the vet for a glucose test but when I returned, the people were just arriving. So I camped out down the street with the kitty and read my mail. Bad idea. I was just analyzing how long they were in the house and what they were doing. 35 minutes. Is that good or bad?

When they left, I slipped in and let the cat free. They'd eaten all the cookies I'd baked and I had seen them walk the yard a few times. Sigh. I can't do this for a long time so this young couple (with dreams of babies in their heads most likely) should make an offer, right? So can you all pray that my house sells quick with a closing time of July 1? Hee hee. Oh yeah, and a good price.

Here's a glimpse of what we are leaving behind (besides memories of PIO shots and sharps containers). We've stripped a lot of personal decor in our attempts to declutter.

The upside is that the days until my FET has flown by. I am getting ever closer. Probably starting lupron next week. Yippee!!!

Ready Set Go!

2009-03-30T18:16:00.000-07:00

I am so pleased to announce that my cycle started on 3/27 and C C R M issued me a Frozen Embyro Transfer calendar! WOO HOO! We are tentatively set for a May 12th transfer and we could not be happier. We will be skipping the BCPs and on day 21 starting lupron if my progesterone is in range. Needless to say, that just raised the stakes a lot.

I haven't had any embryos transferred to me in over a year. My last transfer was January 2008. I can't wait to be reunited with my babies but it also makes things so scary. I've been working hard towards this for 14 months and now I could fail... or I could succeed. Is that possible?

Special One and I have been looking for a new house since we starting assisted reproduction. We've found places we've liked but missed out on, we've submitted 6 bids in all, and finally 2 Saturday's ago we found a house we loved. We visited twice and bid on it on Sunday. By Monday we were told there where 5 bidders on the house. Yes, 5! In this market, that is stupendous. Well, long story short... We won the bid!!! I've always felt in my belly that we'd find our house when we were going to have a baby. So it really makes me wonder... could this be the sign?

So this past week has been a whirlwind of working, home inspections, attorney reviews, meeting with lenders, and trying to prep our house for sale! Just plain madness. We haven't sold our place or even listed yet. But we hope to list early next week. In the meantime, we lucked out that our sellers wanted 3 months til closing so we hope we'll luck out in that time period. Looks like the market has picked up.

I apologize for being behind in cheering you all on. For once, I've had some good news to keep me really busy. I'll be checking in on you all this week, I promise. Lorza and Fashionably, thanks for checking in on me.

Damn it feels good to post a happy post.

Stormy Butterflies

2009-03-24T22:04:00.000-07:00

Thanks for all of the FET feedback. I've gathered all the advice since a few others said they'd be interested in the results. I am so glad to hear that it is easier than an IVF cycle.

eating pineapple
drinking grape juice
eating turkey
taking baby aspirin
taking fish oils
drinking green tea

acupuncture and more acupuncture
avoiding caffeine
avoiding alcohol
BD the night before
Brisk walk right before transfer
Heating lower abdomen daily to break down endo/fibroids

The RE said I'd be taking birth control as part of the protocol but I am scared of birth control pills. Last time I took them for an IVF cycle, my TSH soared to 19! (Normal is 1-3, essentially). I was also taking 'herbs' then and I can't be sure which did it but i've refused to take herbs or BCPs since. It took 3 months to control my thyroid and obviously my IVF cycle was cancelled that month.

I asked my thyroid endocrinologist and he said to follow the recommendations of my clinic if I wanted to get pregnant but i am so scared. The thyroid gland is butterfly shaped but doesn't offer me the same joy as watching the insect variety flutter through the early summer air in my garden. On another side note, I can't believe how estranged I am from my own body. The connection is broken. Sometimes the idea of being intimate makes me want to run away since I don't want to have to listen and feel my body.

I could really use some guidance. If you'd had this issue, do you think I should:

Take 2 months of bcps so i have time to check my body's response and adjust thyroid meds if necessary? Or will that 'oversuppress'.
Take the bcps as the generic protocol calls for and check blood levels after 3 weeks and cancel if I have a storm?
Skip BCPs and risk a hormone surge of LH or whatever screws a frozen cycle?

Tell Me What You Want!

2009-03-23T12:41:00.000-07:00

Break into the spice girls here, ladies!

I think we get to feeling like we can't ask for anything other than a healthy baby.

Remember way back... way, way back...
...you were planning on having sex and then 3 weeks late doing something super cute to tell your hubby he was going to be a daddy!? Was it going to be in the Fall? A little girl maybe? 5 kids in all?

I've noticed that I and some of you definately censor ourselves about what we dream and wish for since it is so hard. Like it would be greedy of us to ask for anything other than a living human baby. And yes, that is the essential important bit (especially the human part). But why can't we dream a little a dream? Why can't we wish a little wish? And pray a little prayer?

So let me tell you what I want. I want a healthy son born in May so that I can spend my maternity leave during the nice weather months and I don't have swollen ankles during the hot months. 23 months later, I want a daughter. I have an April birthday so it would be cute if my daughter did too. I want them in that order so the brother can protect and help his sister. I am also afraid of daughters since I was so nasty with my mom so I'd prefer to delay that to the second kid. LOL. I want them to look like me and my husband and be a combination of us. That is what I want.

Soooooooooooooooo.........
So tell me what you want, what you really really want!
I'll tell you what I want, what I really really want!

I want to hear you ask for the moon! Even if asking for the moon is still just asking for 10 fingers/10 toes. :)

(Update: Send Darya some love. She got a BFN today and could use a hug.)

FET Advice Needed!

2009-03-19T15:47:00.000-07:00

I guess I am on a roll with posting these days. Since a number of you asked for clarification, here is why we decided to do another cycle before transferring the embryos from cycle 3:

- my response is dwindling to stimulation drugs with each cycle

- endometriosis growing in good ovary so we went for the eggs while we can

The reason we decided to do a frozen transfer rather than fresh is that there is growing proof that endometrial receptivity is reduced after using stimulation drugs. And in my case, I take TONS of them. They pump me full of more Follistim and Menopur than anyone I know. So to truly put the odds in our favor, we wanted to give my body some clean up time after cycling to prepare to become a happy home to one or two little ones.

AZZVICE REQUEST!

Can anyone educate me on what a frozen transfer entails?

In 4 cycles, this will be our very first and I have NO idea what the best practices or recommendation to follow?

Work out? Don't work out? Don't drink before? Lupron? Candy corn? Cotton candy?

I want any and all recommendations and voodoo!

Response to Kris' Blog

2009-03-18T12:55:00.000-07:00

Fellow blogger Kris made a post that well touched me and made cry and mourn my lost embryos: Life Begins When?

I see all of my embryos as my children. But not the same as the child that will come live in my home and call me mom. But nonetheless, those embryos were made out of the love, hope, and desire I share with my husband. They are so very special to me. They don't have to represent the same thing to other people and I don't try to judge people's choices. I just know that from my perspective, I've made life with my husband even if I never saw double lines, heard a heartbeat, felt a squirm, or kissed sweet toes.

The moments following an embryo transfer have been the most gorgeous of my life. Full of hope, I clutch my belly during the 2 week wait as if the act of doing so would coax an embryo to take notice and want to stay and thrive.

I might sound balanced often times in my posts but deep inside I am in pain, real pain. I feel longing, real longing. I still need to get up in the morning, put on my big girl pants, and go out into the world that refuses to stop and let me catch up.

Dang it... where are my kleenex? Thank goodness for office doors.

IVF 4: The Final Report

2009-03-17T08:34:00.000-07:00

I just got a call from the embryologist. He informed me that only one additional egg was fertilized. I should be happy that this technological advance is even available to us at all.

In the end, that leaves us with 4 fertilized eggs but none have started to divide, or cleave. Instead they were frozen at the single cell stage. The way the embryologist made it sound, the best we could hope for is 2 out of 4 being able to make it to day 3. Day 3 is when we would transfer our embryos back to me later this spring.

So overall, it was a dismal cycle. But as long as we have 1 embryo, we'll hold out hope for a good outcome in the end.

As a strategy for the frozen transfer, he preferred to defer to Schoolie. But I insisted we discuss a little more. Since this group was frozen on day 1 and the 5 embies from the last cycle where frozen on day 2, it might be best to thaw these 4 for the frozen transfer. That way, if they all arrested immediately, we could thaw the day 2 grouping without missing out on the window of opportunity for transferring. The embryos are frozen in straws, or groups, of 1 or 2 embryos. In this March cycle, we have a straw of 2 embryos and 2 straws of 1. So that means, we can also just thaw one straw from last cycle if needed.

If an egg is fertilized but hasn't yet cleaved, is it an embryo or just a fertilized egg? Does anyone know the proper terminology? *** Update. Ronni is right. It is called a zygote. Thanks Ronni!

Also, does anyone else think that Fashionably Infertile should start a Friday post about Fashion choices out there? I'd like her to answer some of my most pressing questions about Fashion. I mean, I know nothing about Fashion and I need some help!

IVF 4: Fert Report. Sweet Home Chicago

2009-03-16T08:55:00.000-07:00

I am so glad to be on my way home today. I have missed my kitties enormously and I can't wait to be surrounded by purring furbabies and eat some homecooking.

IVF 4: CCRM
- 14 eggs retrieved, 6 mature, 3 fertilized
- 3 more matured overnight of which 1 fertilized
- Total: 4 frozen zygotes

IVF 3: CCRM
- 8 eggs retrieved, 4 mature, 4 fertilized
- 3 more matured overnight of which 2 fertilized
- Total: 5 frozen day-2 embryos

IVF 2: Local clinic
- 7 eggs retrieved, 1 mature, 1 barely fertilized (booooo!)

IVF 1: Local clinic
- 10 eggs retrieved, 6 mature, 5 fertilized

This is our highest egg number and lowest fertilization report ever. 4 more have been matured overnight in the lab. So we'll see what happens with those. We've always had close to 100% fertilization on our mature eggs so this is really a major loss for us in that way. Especially when we are working with a top lab.

Needless to say, we are disappointed in the dismal fertilization for day 1. Makes me very suspicious of the quality of those 3 that did fertilize. Since they freeze today, we won't know more about their true quality til we plan to transfer them. We only know that the melded with the sperm and that conception was taken place. When we transfer, they'll be thawed and encouraged to grow to a transferrable grade. At that point we'll see if any do grow til day 3.

At least we have some good ahead of us today. Home. I miss it so.

Just for tracking purposes, here are my cycle 4 details:

freeze-all for Spring FET
3/18: Plan for late spring FET
3/17: 4 total zygotes frozen on day 1 b4 cell division
3/17: late matured eggs are fertilized
3/16: 4 more matured in vitro
3/15: 14 eggs retrieved! 6 mature. 3 fertilized
3/07: One follie far ahead. Upping follistim to 450.
3/06: Cycle looking off. Leave for Denver. Ganirelix added back to stop ovulation due to one follicle growing too fast.
3/02: It's a go! 150 menopur; 300 follistim; dexamethasone
2/28: P4 too high... delayed one day
2/27: CD 1!!! Stop estrace + ganirelix
2/25: Drain endo cysts; add Ganirelix
2/24: Start Estrace twice daily
2/19: 6% morphology :-( rest good
2/14: LH Surge! Waiting for OK to cycle...
2/03: Dr. Sch recommends estrogen priming antagonist once a sperm sample comes back satisfactory (due to recent fever)
1/26: CD1

IVF#4: Retrieved: Denver Day 9

2009-03-15T11:18:00.000-07:00

Today's retrieval went so very, very well. I am so nervous whenever I have to go under and all that. But they are so amazing and professional. They make a retrieval almost pleasant.

But best of all was finding out upon waking that they had gotten more eggs than ever before. 14 eggs. That is 1 egg shy of cycles 2 and 3 combined! As for maturity... I guess we'll see in the morning! Could this be the beginning of my silver lining?

Time to nap some more...

IVF#4: Triggered: Denver Day 8

2009-03-14T17:09:00.000-07:00

We triggered finally last night. YAY! It was nice to take my last shot. We went to Cherry Creek mall yesterday. It was fun to do some shopping at such a ritzy mall. Anyone else been to Martin and Osa? It was really nice in there too. I also got a brow wax since it had been since before Christmas. After the mall, we went to recommended restaurant nearby: Le Central. It is a French/Belgian restaurant that serves mostly a variety of mussels with fries but also offers some other dishes. It wasn't too expensive at all and we had a romantic dinner for 2. Loved it!

This morning we went in for my last blooddraw. Then we had the day to enjoy ourselves. Special One decided he wanted to use today like a quiet vacation day so we had brunch, went shopping for him, got myself another new pair of Paige jeans 'McKinley' (thanks to a recommendation from Fashionably Infertile). I am not much of a shopper but I think of this all as a push present for my eggs and Special One agreed. I went for a pedicure so my toes wouldn't be all ripped up looking during retrieval tomorrow. Then we went for a long nap. Ahhhhh. We are so tired here. Not sure if it is the nerves or elevation, but I am soooo sleepy every day. Now we are off to see the Wrestler and have a bite to eat.

Tomorrow is the big day and I am super nervous.

IVF#4: Stim Day 12: Denver Day 7

2009-03-13T05:59:00.000-07:00

Thursday went by so fast, I forgot to post! I met with another fellow blogger, Arpee, for lunch. She's a hoot and all smiles. I find it so amazing that women from across the country, who have never met before, can share so much in one lunch.

Through this difficult time, I've seen what friendships are made of and I've learned some of the qualities I look for in friends. It has been very eye-opening. The biggest surprise I had was the amount of compassion, empathy, and comraderie I found in women. I'd never experienced this level of solidarity and support in my entire life. For that (and much more), I am very grateful.

So, we've been here since last Friday and we still were not triggered on Thursday night so it looks like we'll leave on Monday at the earliest. Since it is winter and we've already gone to the Botanical Gardens, Pikes Peak, Garden of the Gods, Red Rocks, and downtown Boulder on previous trips. This round we've visited lower downtown/Larimer Sq Denver, Dave & Busters, the movies, 5 online friends IRL, and walked the mall. I wish it was in the 70s cause we'd LOVE to go on a walk in the foothills. We are running out of ideas. Anyone who visited here have any ideas of what is great to do when it is 40 degrees in Denver?

Day 11 Follie Count
E2: 1690
Left: 2.08 cm; 1.50; 1.38
Right: 2.71 cm; 1.78; 1.67; 1.61; 1.50; 1.41; 1.38; 1.35

Day 12 Follie Count
E2: not yet known
Left: 2.23 cm; 1.64; 1.53
Right: 2.87 cm; 2.05; 1.96; 1.79; 1.69; 1.56

Will I get triggered tonight? I have to wait til 4 pm to hear back.

IVF#4: Stim Day 10: Denver Day 5

2009-03-11T17:49:00.000-07:00

We've had the day off yesterday and took some time to relax and laugh a little. First, I met KayJay for coffee (Hi K!) at a local mall. She is so cute and sweet. Then DH asked to go to Dave and Busters to play some games. After shots, we went to Maggiano's since it is 2 minutes away. The manager gave us free samples of stuff and the chef came and gave us an appetizer on the house.

This morning I was back in the CCRM office for bloodwork and ultrasound. My estrogen on Day 10 of stimming is only 1120 but the nurse didn't seem concerned. Here are my measurements day 10 of stims:

Left: 1.8 cm; 1.09; 1.07 (one disappeared)
Right: 2.79 cm; 1.64; 1.48; 1.42; 1.37; 1.18

That big one could be the follie that disappeared the other day but before just listing it as a follicle, the ultrasound tech first kept looking at this black blob on the screen saying it looked like fluid. It was a strange shape. She kept wondering out loud if it was fluid in my ovary or outside of it or a cyst. Who knows? In the end, she measured it like a follie at 28mm!!

No idea what the deal is. Maybe I had a ruptured cyst or something. You know, my right side hurt for hours yesterday but I basically ignored it. I wish the doctor looked at the ultrasounds himself. I asked the nurse if there were notes in the chart about possible fluid but she didn't see any... sigh. So I asked her to put notes in the chart for the ultrasound tech to print a pic of this blob tomorrow to show the doc if it is still appearing the same way. I am trying to remain calm and wait for tomorrow. I suppose I have no choice but to wait.

To keep my mind clear, we went to the movies this afternoon. We saw He's Just Not Into You based on Fashionably Infertile's recommendation. It was a super cute movie and really turned everything around mood-wise for us.

IVF#4: Stim Day 8: Denver Day 3

2009-03-09T09:16:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was amazing. We had such a great day. After coffee with a forum buddy, we drove up the Boulder to see baby W and his mommy and daddy. We had great time seeing them, as always. Then we drove into lower downtown Denver. We walked the 16th Street Mall area and had dinner in Larimar Sq. We started al fresco but had to move inside when the shade came. We enjoyed delicious Italian food at Osteria. Marco. It was a bit pricey but our window seats were awesome for people watching so that made it worth it. We finished out the evening snuggling and watching our netflix shows: Scrubs and Nip/Tuck. We really needed a day to recharge.

I'm riding this IVF rollercoaster and there have been many more lows than highs so far but I am open to the idea of that changing for me. I'd like to thank you all for continuing to 'share the love' with me. I can't tell you how helpful it is. Especially being so far from home.

So I went in today for another ultrasound/bloodwork appointment. Here are my measurements today, day 8 of stims:

Left: (aka the quiet one) 1.50 cm; 1.02; 0.99; 0.75
Right: (endometriomas) 1.56 cm; 1.23; 1.23; 1.14; 1.14; 0.90

Weird, huh? Where did the big one go? Seems like I get different measurements every day depending on where or who is measuring. I was expecting the 1.6 from Saturday to be a 2.0 by now. I give up trying to anticipate. My estrogen is still really low. We'll meet with Dr. Schoolie in a few hours to review our case so I'll add and update to this post later.

By the way, I never followed up since my post a number of weeks ago about choosing a nurse at CCRM. I was finally switched to Rhonda a few weeks back and I heart her. She is the perfect mix of efficient, communicative, and empathetic for me. I feel that I've lucked out. Her back up is Jill, who I also like. If you have issues with your nurse, I highly recommend the patient advocate and asking for a switch.

*** UPDATE ***

We met with Schoolie. His overall comment was that he was pleased at how things have become more even but that we'll likely have to let the biggest one go. He reiterated how poor of a responder I am and how expecting anything else would be expecting too much. So he wants to go forward and get what we can from this one. However, he predicts a long long timing stimming. So we are here for a week longer probably.

We got a lot of extra meds and we are going to go get comfortable for the remainder of our stay. Here's to hoping we have a decent result without 'expecting too much.

One note... the doc seems to think we have one less frostie then we think we do. So he said 4 frozen on day 2 and we insisted that 5 were frozen on day 2. We asked our nurse to follow up. Stay tuned. :-)

Thanks for all the love!!!

IVF#4: Stim Day 7: Denver Day 2

2009-03-08T12:20:00.000-07:00

Thank you so much for all of your support and cheers. It feels so great to know I am not alone in this. I am so grateful for and to you all.

Last night they called to tell me that they are upping my follistim to 450 and a ganirelix shot. Then 2 menopur in the morning. They confirmed that the 16mm follie is way ahead of the other follies hovering just below 10mm. They aren't sure what they'll do so they decided to cancel my appointment for Sunday. So we went out to the mall to walk around and shop. We got our niece a little Coach wristlet for her 15th birthday. So cute and pink.

So tomorrow we'll go in for more bloodwork and an another ultrasound. We scheduled a meeting with Dr. Schoolcraft to discuss our case tomorrow. I'd like him to personally sit with us and explain his thoughts. We have to be prepared to be cancelled tomorrow.

We needed to lift our spirits so we made a number of social playdates. First, I had coffee this morning with a forum buddy. (Hi Vinita!) It was fun to get to know each other and have some girl time. Next, we are off to meet another forum friend's new baby boy. She lives in Boulder with her fabulous husband. They welcomed their son into the world several weeks ago. The weather is gorgeous so I hope we'll go for a walk if they are feeling up to it. Best of all, I get to kiss baby toes! :-)

Ronni, you are the bomb. Thanks for being a great friend. We ate at Grand Lux last night and I thought of you and Rach.

Hope you all are having a great day.

IVF#4: Day 1 in Colorado

2009-03-07T10:00:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was a very long day. After hours of struggles, I did finally find a new clinic to do my monitoring. They squeezed me in between patients and did the fastest bloodwork and ultrasound I've ever experienced. The tech promised they fax the results to colorado by 2 and off I went. I left relieved and went home to work so I didn't look like i'd skipped out. At 1, I dropped off our diabetic cat who needs special care from the vet during out absence (so sad to drop her off).

At 2.30, caller ID said CCRM. To my surprise, she called to ask me to contact the local clinic since they hadn't received anything yet. I turned around and called but the receptionist immediately put me on hold. After 12 minutes, I started getting annoyed. For the next 25 minutes, scared to lose my place 'in line', I tried to get through to that office on my cell. After 40 minutes, I called a 800 number I found on the web but got a voicemail. After 45 I used my cell to reach another office who finally transferred me over. I explained my distress to the lady who answered. There was a pause and then someone took me off hold on my landline. She said, "Oh my! So sorry. I didn;t see you were on hold!" I started in on how i needed the results urgently. And in keeping with my luck these days she told me that there was a problem with the lab and no results were back yet but that they'd fax the ultrasound results.

WHat could I do? So not sure if my cycle was ruined and should be cancelled, we still left for the airport. 10 minutes into the drive, my colorado nurse called to tell me since they would no get bloodwork til after 5, it would be too late to see how i was doing so she asked me to pull over right there and give myself the Ganirelix shot to retard ovulation. Flying blind, now. That one follie was continuing to grow and there was almost nothing going on in my left ovary at all. I asked her if I should just turn around and go home and cancel the cycle. She told me to continue on out to Denver. She also reduced my Follistim to 150 (from 300) and added 2 menopurs to my nightly dose (rather than just in the morning).

With my mom in the car, we pulled over for the shot. My mom looked on in horror as we whipped out a needle, started flicking air bubbles, and injecting right there in the front seat. It got so real to her. We had to two more injections in the plane.

We got into CCRM this morning and my follies didn't end up measuring the same to them as they had in that local clinic. Things look really bad. One follie at 16.5mm, 7 more under 10mm. Dr. Schoolcraft has been out of town since Thursday. Dr. Surrey is making the calls. They aren't sure what to do so I'll have to wait for news tonight. I couldn't be more down. I don't understand.

This road has been long and terribly draining. I've broken down into tears 4 times in the last two days. This is my last IVF cycle, I think. Special One isn't sure he's ready to stop but I can't felt but feel negative now. I feel so betrayed by my body and if that wasn't enough, there always seems to be something strange and unexpected that comes and trips me up. I question my ability to take anymore of this. I just don't think I'll be able to take much more of this.
It is supposed to snow here today so I think we might just chill out and nap. We got tons of good groceries from Whole Foods. Tonight, Special One wants to go play games at Dave and Busters. Could be fun!

Sorry for the string of bummer posts. It is what it is, right?

Stress and More Stress

2009-03-05T19:17:00.000-08:00

Everything was going well when this morning they told me during my monitoring appointment that one of my follicles was jumping ahead. I was so bummed.

By the time the nurse called tonight she said they wanted to start the ganirelix already since one was jumping ahead but that they couldn't since my estrogen was only 80! That is right 80! and I have 8 follies. One is 14mm and only 80! how is that even possible? I thought estrogen priming was supposed to help with this. I am soooooooooo disappointed.

So the nurse asked me to get in for another blood test and ultrasound in the morning to see if I need ganirelix tomorrow night. Well the local RE's office is closed at 8pm so I decide to call and leave a message so they get it first thing in the morning. A nurse answered the phone since she was 'on call' and told me that the office was closed tomorrow.

I will have to call 2 other clinics at 7am and beg for someone to see me for the ultrasound and bloodwork. I doubt I can even go to work. I hope I don't get fired. I already asked for special privileges next week.

I just don't understand where all this bad luck is coming from. I am exhausted by my own circumstances. Just exhausted.

In more positive news, I got to me Tiff. She came through for me since I was short one vial and met me in the parking lot of a local restaurant to hand off her leftover vial. THANK YOU TIFF!!

YAY!!!!!

2009-03-02T14:06:00.000-08:00

YAY! They've okayed me to cycle! I'm on my way to Denver!! Yay yippee yay!

Delayed and Dipped

2009-03-01T16:23:00.000-08:00

I went in for a suppression check on the second day of my cycle but it turns out that I wasn't suppressed enough so I might get cancelled. My progesterone was too high at 2.5 or so. So we'll check it again yesterday and hope for the best. If my progesterone is low enough, they might let me continue. Good thing I told DH to hold off buying the tix he had on hold on Friday. Wish me luck!

I made a delicious spinach artichoke dip for game night at my brother's on Saturday night. Inspired from Paula Deen, I've made a few tweaks. I will play some more with the recipe but so far, everyone loved it! Takes 10 minutes to prepare. You can even make it the night before but bake it, right before serving. Here goes:

Ingredients:
1 10-oz package frozen chopped spinach
1 13 3/4-ounce cans artichoke hearts
3/4 cup mayonnaise
3/4 cup sour cream
3 minced cloves of garlic
1 cup freshly grated parmesan cheese
1 cup grated pepper jack cheese

Directions:

Preheat the oven to 350.
Heat the spinach in a microwave oven on high for 5 minutes and squeeze very dry.
Drain the artichoke hearts well and then coarsely chop in a food processor.
Grease a casserole dish with a non-stick spray.
Combine all of the ingredients but only 3/4 cup of the pepper jack cheese in a large bowl. Stir well with a metal spoon. Sprinkle jack cheese on top.
Place in the prepared casserole dish and bake for 30 minutes.
Transfer to a chafing dish. Keep warm over a low flame. Or just eat quickly. Tastes best nicely warmed. Serve with bagel chips, pita chips, or even tortilla chips.

Yield: about 4 cups

Tagged (10 Honest Things)

2009-02-26T07:28:00.000-08:00

I got tagged by L to list 10 honest things about myself. Not sure what honest means but I'll give it a go!

10 Honest Scraps:

I never ever wanted to marry a man that loves televised sports and can't think beyond steak and potatoes. I ended up with a gorgeous football fan who thinks beef jerky is a health food.

I've been trying to find my religion for over a year now and haven't gotten very far.

I spent every summer of my childhood in France at my grandparents house except one summer. When I was 8 years old, my mom stopping travelling with us. I would take my brother from Chicago to Iceland, change planes, land in Luxembourg and wait for my grandparents to pick us up. My grandmother has something against my mom and would take it out on me since I looked like her. She yelled at me and mentally messed with me. She would try to embarrass me whenever possible. She fed me food she knew I hated when people came to visit just to prove I was a difficult child. My mom never wanted to believe me but admits it wasn't right now. I couldn't sleep when I was little since I was afraid of the dark and she wouldn't let me have any light. My aunt would slip me tranquilizers to help me since I'd start shaking when the sun started to set. So sad when I write it down.

I smoked since I was 12 til I was 33. I started slow and ended at a pack and a half a day. Quitting has empowered me more than I ever imagined.

I loved scrapbooking and photos until infertility set in. Since then, recording my life has been a chore.

If I didn't have the love of my neices and their cuddles, I couldn't make it through the day.

I am more interested in parenting a 1 year old than I am being pregnant and giving birth.

I lost most of my real-life friends when IF became my reality.

I need to feel pretty again but don't know how when I've gained 40 lbs, gone through a growth spurt (where you look older all of a sudden), and feel like less than a woman.

I love food more than I ever thought I would. I wish I could eat all the time. It is the only adventure right now that always comes through. Am I at risk of becoming enormous/obese if I think this way?

I'm Tagging:

The Rules:
1) Choose at least 7 blogs you find brilliant in content or design.
2) Link to these blogs and leave them a comment that they were tagged! The image in this post is your official award!
3) List at least 10 honest things about yourself.

IVF#4 Underway!

2009-02-24T09:46:00.000-08:00

So the final report is that Special One has higher motility than ever before but morphology is a slim 6%. We add more Pycnogenol to his regimen since this special french pine bark is supposed to have great affect on morphology. It might be a little too late but worth a try.

In other news, I started the estrogen priming part of my cycle today! YAY! It is 2mg of estrace twice daily til AF comes. Tomorrow I have my endome triomas drained. The procedure is the same as for an egg retrieval in that I'll be completely sedated and the cysts will be drained transvaginally. I will be glad to get that out of the way since the three cysts were measuring as follows last week:

Endometrioma 1: 19mm x 13mm
Endometrioma 2: 24 x 22
Endometrioma 3: 16 x 15

After my drain tomorrow, I start adding ganirelix also until AF comes. Then will come the stims!

I am so excited to get this show on the road. I am already looking forward to my frozen transfer in May! It all seems within reach again. I've been actively pursuing treatment since May 2007 but haven't transferred any embryos since January 2008, over a year ago! It is time. I am so excited.

PS. Caroline + KayJay, for some reason I can't post comments on your blog since they are incorporated into the page. The word verification never shows up. Thinking of you.

Some Funnies

2009-02-18T11:19:00.000-08:00

Yes, this is my second post of the day. In a less serious note, my mother-in-law sent me these jokes. I thought a few of them were worth a chuckle or two. I hope they bring a smile to your face too.

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to ever understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh,
rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.

WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'
'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.'

The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, 'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him,
when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'

The Yellow Brick Road

2009-02-18T08:37:00.000-08:00

I finally got my LH surge on Valentine's day and the nurse told me to start my estrogen priming on 2/24. YAY! The cycle is on its way and we are starting down the yellow brick road. I am so excited.

Just to make sure Special One is fine, we'll be testing the male contribution on Thursday as well as taking a peek at my cyst by ultrasound. The plan is that if the sperm is fine and unaffected by his recent high grade fever, we'll continue with the cycle and have my cyst drained next week and fly out to Denver around the weekend of 3/7.

Poor Special One just can't catch a break this year. After all this diverticulitis (from which he is still in pain), his back went out on him hours before we were to start our Valentine's Day bonanza. We had to cancel all our plans since he couldn't stand or even sit. After days of being unable to move, he can finally crawl around now to the bathroom, for example. Hopefully he'll be walking by the weekend. I guess that means he'll be crawling to the RE's office tomorrow to give his sample. Maybe I'll have to pick up a cup.

We are planning on doing another freeze-all cycle with our embryos. Then, later this spring when my body has recovered from stims, we'll get to transferring back the embryos from cycles 3 and 4 in groups of 3-4 embies at a time and hope that staggering the transfer will make all the difference in the outcome. Yippee! I am excited about our plan.

I put another offer on a house but once again the deal didn't happen. I am looking for that perfect house we'll raise our kid(s) in. Deep down I feel like I'll get pregnant once we've found a house. I hope we'll find one before summer. :-)

Hey Schoolie! Here we come. We are following the yellow brick road to babydom.

If You Have Nothing Nice to Say

2009-02-12T09:00:00.000-08:00

I haven't posted much because quite frankly, I am tired of my own sad stories about things not working out. I feel like I always have something negative to say and it just isn't feeling good to me these days. So I've been debating whether I should apply a good mother's advice about not saying anything if you have nothing nice to say. But since I'm here and I've already laid my fingers on my keyboard, I might as well share some details.

First of all, I am supposed to set up a sp@erm analysis for Special One after I get my LH surge (indicating impeding ovulation). The problem is I either missed my surge by starting to test too late or my surge is missing or never coming this month. It is already day 18 of my cycle. I used to be regular, I swear. Man, I feel like I've never really seen myself clearly but that all these reproductive defects have unmasked my body's true state and the next time I open the Chicago Tribune, the recent product recall list will feature a picture of me. If I don't get it in the next day or so, I doubt I'll cycle next month.

Secondly, I am trying to restrain myself from talking about the mother of the octoplets. I secretly wonder if she depleted the pot of available kids and now I can't have any. Maybe she depleted the pot of lip injectibles too. Grrrr.

Lastly, I've sucked it up and decided to try to deduct my medical expenses for 2008. I've already spent 8 hours creating a spreadsheet of each doctors appointment. It is very tedious. So far, I've entered 92 appointments. I've had to remove what was covered under FSA and reimbursed by insurance. At this point, that still leaves 18000 uncovered. How did I end up with $20,000 uncovered in a state where my IVF cycles until now have been 'covered'? Oh yeah, I almost forgot that CCRM isn't friends with the insurance company. Now, I am not complaining since I know I have means to cover the costs right now but the process is tedious and I just wish I didn't have to be here at all.

As I sang to some of my fellow IF galpals this morning...

We gotta get out of this place
If it's the last thing we ever do
We gotta get out of this place
Girl, there's a better life for me and you

~ The Animals

Follow Up with the Wizard

2009-02-04T15:29:00.000-08:00

I had my phone consult with Dr. Schoolcraft yesterday. He was the warmest I've ever heard him. He was downright pleasant and seemed to have nothing but time to discuss my plans for becoming a mom. We didn't discuss the lab snafu because it wouldn't get me anywhere but instead focused on the next steps.

In short, he said that the biggest issue last cycle was that I had a small group of eggs maturing fast and a second small group that was maturing a few days behind. So he would have recommended redoing the MDL protocol along with BCPs, but since I didn't produce many eggs last time he's afraid BCPs could oversuppress me. Instead, he is opting for an estrogen priming antagonist protocol involving 3 days of ganirelix before stims. After he explained his reasoning, I was 100% on board.

He understand and supports my reasons for not transferring the 5 embryos frozen in the lab. Of my frozen embryos, 4 are Grade 4 (top) per day 2 standards and one is a Grade 3. When the time comes, he said he was open to transferring 4 back due to my record since I was already 0 for 6 in the my previous transfers.

I asked him whether he recommended staggering this cycle, meaning that instead of transferring back embies, we could freeze-all and then focus on preparing for a transfer a month later. He was very open and encouraged the idea. He said that he is still not sure if the super high success rates in CGH and donor are entirely based on better eggs. He thinks that another contributing factor could be the fact that no stims are performed the month of the transfer in either case. Instead, the woman is prepped only to maximize implantation and nothing else. Something to ponder, right?

We discussed my cyst and we decided to drain the cyst using my local RE right before stimming. That will be done like an egg retrieval. And Special One will have to have a sperm analysis done in 2 weeks to see if the fever impacted his boys. If all is ok, we are set to start stims end of February. If not, we wait til April.

I can't believe I might be cycling again at the end of the month! Last thing he said to me was, "You know, I am here everyday if you ever need to talk." :-)

A New Cycle

2009-02-03T19:27:00.000-08:00

Last week CCRM called to tell me that the lab running CGH tests on my embyrionic biopsies had botched the tests. Well, rumor has it that they botched a bunch of them and consequently CCRM isn't recommending CGH for the moment. Not good for them. Not good for me.

Since CCRM will let me transfer as long as my endometrioma measured under 5 cm (last measure = 3cm), we decided last week to go ahead with another cycle before using our frosties. We won't drain the cyst unless we have to.

Last Wednesday, the nurse said she'd get the protocol from the Dr. and get back to me that very night. No news. Friday I left a message asking for the status. No news. Monday, I called the scheduler and made an appointment with Dr. Sch directly but nothing was available for a week. Needless to say, I was peeved.

Tuesday, I asked to talk to a patient advocate (thanks for the suggestion, gals). She was super nice and said they'd be happy to move me to another nurse and that it wouldn't get me a 'difficult' patient label. They also found a spot for me to talk to Dr. S Wednesday so I don't have to wait as long. I'll see what he says and then decide about the nurse.

In the meantime, my nurse left a voicemail with a protocol but I couldn't make out the details. So I left another message and finally go hold of her at 6pm last night. She explained the protocol as Protocol #3 (estrogen priming 10 days after ovulation then 3 days of ganirelix followed by my stims). We can start in Feb or March. She then said she'd be gone for a week so she'll call next week to see if we've decided.

Has anyone else heard of this protocol?

Does anyone recommend their nurse at CCRM?

Apple Crumble

2009-02-02T17:29:00.000-08:00

Several of you asked about the blueberry crumble. I think the recipe still needs work and I need a spice grinder. Specifically the proportion of berries to topping was an issue. You'd think more topping would be better but I was left craving more blueberries and so was my Daddy. My mom thought the proportion was right.

And maybe more importantly, being in the midwest, I had frozen berries on hand. So while I play with this recipe a little more, I'll share my apple crumble instead. If you try it, please let me know if you liked it. Or if you found a variation that works well too.

Wouldn't it be great if we could all invite each other for tea and sweets. I, for one, really want to try Ashley's cake balls.

In fact, maybe this week, each of you could post your best dessert recipe. :-)

APPLE CRUMBLE

Apple Filling
-------------
6 Gala apples peeled and sliced
¼ cup of brown sugar
3 pats of butter
1 tsp of cinnamon
½ tsp of nutmeg

Topping
-------------
1½ cups of plain flour
½ cup of oats
¼ cup of white granulated sugar
¼ cup of brown sugar
1/8 tsp of salt (optional)
1 tsp of cinnamon
1 ½ butter sticks, cut into ¼ “ frozen cubes

COOKING INSTRUCTIONS

Cut and freeze butter.
Peel and slice apples and toss with brown sugar and spices.
Heat a non-stick skillet with butter.
Brown apples until softened, stir occasionally. About 15 minutes.
While cooking apples, pre-heat oven to 350 degrees and spray an 8 x 12 baking dish with Pam.
Prepare the crumble topping by mixing all dry ingredients in a bowl.
Add frozen butter and work in with fingers to make a sandy but slightly clumpy mixture, make sure all butter is worked in. Or use a pastry blender.
Place apple mixture in baking dish and cover with topping (do not pack down). You can use individual small ramekins too and they'll look adorable like this.
Bake for 40-45 minutes.
Spoon into individual dishes and top with scoop of high quality vanilla ice cream.

It's All Better With Food

2009-02-01T06:55:00.000-08:00

I love to cook. I'm not a great cook but I am driven by my love for food.

For Christmas, I got a subscription to Cooks Illustrated. And I am having fun trying out some new techniques. Last night I made breaded pork cutlets from a tenderloin. I've made breaded pork chops before many times but it was fun to learn how to cut pork from a tenderloin and beat them flat and cook them in a dutch oven.

I was self taught until last year since I was never invited into Mom's kitchen for meal prep. I cooked and tasted. Epicurious was a good source too. Now I catch a show on Food Network from time to time, and since Christmas I get the magazine.

Eating is good for my soul. And when I feed people, I feel so good too. In fact, it isn't much fun to cook for myself. I should invite people over for dinner more often.

Today, my parents are coming to watch the superbowl. I am not making the traditional fare. Special One asked me to make shredded beef sandwiches. I'll also make a crudite platter with a French herbed dip since I miss veggies. Special One's low fiber diet for his issue last week has left me hungering for vegetables.

For my fun, I am going to try my hand at a blueberry crumble this time. I had a great recipe for apple crumble but my mixed berry one a few weeks ago wasn't quite right. So I am going to try a new trick from Cooks Illustrated for handling the abundance of liquid from the blueberries.

Wish me luck! I feel a lot more chipper than yesterday. It must be the food!

Simpler Times

2009-01-31T12:44:00.000-08:00

I long for simpler times. It wasn't so long ago that I didn't carry this heavy load and I still considered that my life lay in the future.

But no more. I am living my life r-i-g-h-t now. And I don't like it. I wish I could go spend my afternoon in another time.

If I could, I'd go back to my awesome apartment in Bucktown area of Chicago. At the time it was an up and coming neighborhood full of artists and a mix of hispanic families mixed with some new college grads. No starbucks in the area. I'd probably be at a local artist hangout, Earwax cafe (closed a few months ago), with my friend Michelle.

We'd be having breakfast since we slept til the afternoon after a night of partying. We'd be talking about some kind of guy drama and laughing our asses off.

Instead, today I will be deep cleaning my office. It was the next room on the list of chores. Life just feels like a chore these days.

** Update: I don't want to sound like I don't love my hubby. I love my marriage. I am grateful for a job and a roof over my head. I am grateful for my family and the overall decent health we all have. I just hurt. Really bad.

Plan B (or is it F by now)

2009-01-29T04:47:00.000-08:00

Special One and I have searched ourselves for the last few days trying to come up with a proper plan. It has been hard since there are no right answers in our case anymore. And we just can't afford to be angry right now.

We've gone back and forth on whether I should have something done to my endometrioma before cycling. It had grown to 3 cm in December and other REs (those that monitored me or with whom I'd had 2nd opinions long ago) thought that it should be drained or cut out surgically. Dr. Schoolcraft thinks we should not touch it if it is less than 5cm at transfer. We finally think we've decided not to touch for now unless we choose to do a quick drain of it this month.

We were considering the sclerotherapy method by Dr. Sher, which is to drain the cyst and then shoot it full of tetracycline. However, he seems to be the only one doing it and that concerns me. It isn't avantgarde. Its been around for a decade. I think that mostly, REs fear endometriomas and have no clue what to do with them.

In any case, we've decided not to transfer our 5 frozen embies for now and instead go for another round of IVF to get as many eggs (i don't make many) now while I am the age that I am. Then if we are blessed with a child from this fourth round, then we have some for a second child later. Essentially, I am not sure what the quality of those embies are. They were vitrified on day 2. So we want to go for more eggs before my reserve empties out or my cyst becomes too big to cycle anymore.

Remember how Special One got diverticulitis last week and had fevers of 101. That is supposed to just kill off the sperm, the whole batch. CCRM nurse was pretty laid back about that and said it wouldn't matter if I cycled in March. (They seem laid back about everything btw). She thinks that would be enough time but I've read it takes 70 days. Needless to say, we started popping supplements again last night like they were going out of style.

By the way, CCRM agreed to reimburse CGH testing costs of $5K and not charge us for the frozen transfer of embryos from that cycle. :-) Thanks for ALL YOUR WORDS OF SUPPORT! ((Hugs back!))

Are U F-ing Kidding!?

2009-01-27T10:02:00.000-08:00

CCRM called to tell me there was a technical problem in the lab and they were not able to complete the tests on my embryos. This after 6.5 weeks of waiting!? While the embryos are safe, the biopsied material is toast. They gave me 2 options.

1. Move to a normal frozen transfer and get reimbursed for CGH costs. But I'm guessing they'll change me for the transfer.

2. Thaw, grow to day 3 embryos, rebiopsy and refreeze, and perform Microarray tests on the biopsy since CGH won't be possible anymore.

I am having another bad day. So far January 2009 has NOT been my month. I think I've had enough. I am slowing starting to feel anger and resentment building in me. That isn't who I am. And it isn't who I want to become. But it is there now. In fact, it is the only thing (well along with my belly and my endo) that feels like growing in me these days.

7 Weeks for Me, 2 Days for Her

2009-01-26T11:52:00.000-08:00

Why do I have to wait 7 weeks and she only has to wait 2 days? Seems my British counterparts only wait 2 days for their CGH results AND it costs 1/2 as much. Bollocks!

And I simply caved last night and tested. 2 tests. 2 negatives. Woke up to AF.

Ain't life grand?

Update (10 minutes later)... In a more positive note, research shows 6 IVF cycles is not too many!!! In fact, it could be the charm. Read here. This article was sent to me by the newest blogger Fashionable Infertile. The highlights of the article are:

"After six IVF cycles, the cumulative life-birth rate was 51 to 71 percent for all age groups. What this means is that after six cycles, in vitro fertilization gives women the same probability of having a baby as their counterparts without fertility problems."

Where Art Thou?

2009-01-23T20:42:00.000-08:00

I forgot to write down when I got my last period. I hate when I do that because then I have no idea where I am in things. But I do remember that it came about 1 week earlier and I thought I was expecting around the 22nd of Dec. So maybe that means I would be somewhere near day 37... my longest cycle ever. However, I can't bring myself to test even though I have 20 pee sticks at home. I just figure if I don't get it in another week I might start to hope a little more.

Special One felt better yesterday so he went to work today. But his fever spiked again and his doctors put him on a liquid diet. So soup soup and more soup for us this weekend. I hope poor Special One gets better soon. He is just miserable and looks strung out.

Has anyone else heard that Folic acid might be a cause for the rise in Autism? I am getting really nervous because if you add my prenatals and my folgard Folic acid supplements I've been prescribed, I wonder if after all of this stupid IF, we could have autistic children because we are trying so hard to protect them in the womb.

I've been waiting 6 long weeks for those CGH results. I expect a call in the next 10 days and I am starting to get really scared.

Oh, and there are 2 other new bloggers too! Check out IF Fashionista and Molly!

Bad Things Come in 4s

2009-01-21T19:38:00.000-08:00

Thank you so much for all of the support you all showed me over the weekend. I am not mad at my SIL. I've stuck my foot in my mouth more times than I even know of. It just hurts to think someone would believe that God is doing this to me. That God wants this for me. I really appreciate all the rallying around me. It really warmed my heart. ((Hugs to you all.))

The last 5 days have just sucked. The day after SIL's comment, I went to church with Special One and the entryway was filled with baby bottles. We went straight to our seats and when the service started, the pastor told us it was Life Sunday. We found a large card in our program with the picture of a gorgeous baby on it. It read: "Behold, the gift of the Lord!" I started crying. The whole service was about abortion and babies. Since I meet with the Pastor every 2 weeks to talk, I will bring my card back and ask how to redeem the gift certificate.

After church, I went home and got in a huge blowout with my brother over him being my realtor and his availability. This was a great example of why people tell you that you should never mix business and family. He was screaming at me in a way I've never heard before. We never fight. He hung up on me and we haven't talked since. I was and am shocked and sad.

Monday, I called my mom to talk to her about my problem with my brother and it turned into a huge blowout too! By evening, my husband was not feeling well. He was spiking a fever of 101 and complaining of a tender abdomen and all I could think of was, "Damn, 3 months of sperm down the tubes!" Depressed and exhausted, I went to bed.

By morning, Special One looked terrible and asked me to stay home with him. By noon we were going in for an emergency cat scan. By 5 we learned he had diverticulitis, which basically means a pouch developed off his intestine or colon and got it very infected. It wasn't so bad that he needs surgery but he'll take a course of 2 antibiotics and have to watch his diet.

Now 2 days later he is still spiking a fever and in total pain. They said it will take more than two days for him to get relief. My poor Special One. He is so miserable.

What is going on here? I never have this kind of drama. I mean, IF pretty much took all that space in my life but out of nowhere things are just going nuts.

I was so glad to be back at work today. Nothing bad happened and for that I am very very grateful. I am not sure what to think of my future embryo report. I hope this isn't some bad sign. Or maybe I am just due for some really really really good news. :-)

Oh and as you may have noticed, I took some time to make new graphics for the site. Hope it is still easy to read.

Is This Really God's Plan?

2009-01-17T11:46:00.000-08:00

I just had a 'moment' with my SIL. We had a family lunch and the 3 tiny neices were eating and I was sitting there with them and SIL. I was teasing the girls about having a brother since SIL and DB say they are done and the little girls think boys are icky. Anyhow, SIL tells the eldest (age 4) "Remember what I said, 'God will give us another baby if he wants us to have one.'" Then she looked at me and said "Oh you might think thats off". I smiled awkwardly and left the room.

Later during the adults lunch, I asked her what the Catholic church teaches her. I asked if they taught that you will get what God wants for you in life. And does that mean she believes that God wants people to get cancer and died in New Orleans. Or is that just what they say in the Catholic Churches in the very wealthy suburb she lives in where everyone feels so blessed by all the things God wanted just them to have?

It was awkward. I reminded her that she told me 2 years ago that maybe IF was GOD telling me something is wrong with me. Or my brother saying God only gives you what you can handle (which isn't an actual bible quote but loosely taken from something about temptation in Corinthians.) BARF!

I made things awkward on purpose. I hope she never brings up how God and her 'beliefs' that when applied to her means that God shoved a golden horseshoe up her *** because he thinks she deserves to have everything and put sticks in my uterus because I don't deserve kids in his eyes.

After saying that, I pretty much left immediately since a contractor was coming at one. I hope God isn't wanting this for me.

Thanks for letting me vent.

So tired... tired of waiting

2009-01-12T14:00:00.000-08:00

I just checked Rebecca's blog today. Rebecca (hi Rebecca!) sent her little embryo biopsies for cgh testing 2 weeks before us. As of last week, she still had not heard back with the lab results. It has been 7 weeks for her already. Looks like we are in for a 8 week wait instead of a 6 week wait. Darn holiday vacationers. Who gave the people in the lab vacation!

So I've been fighting dry skin all winter long. I put on oil in shower and then eucirin. Nothing can help me. So I decided I needed a humidifier. Now has anyone seen these ADORABLE ONES on Amazon. They have a great rating and they are perfect for kids rooms. I got the penguin one. Should be here next week. So cute!

On another note, we've been trying to buy a house for the last 2 years. We put an offer down in December on a place and again in January. We lost both houses to what I think are unreasonable sellers. I guess we have plenty of space for 2 at our house. I just really want to move on to a lovely home that I can doll up for a family. I am so so ready.

Thursday is supposed to get into the negative temperatures for a while. Shiver! So I need to start planning a nice getaway with my Special One so we can warm up our cores and take a break from all this snow and stuff. THen again, fair is fair. If our embies are on ice, shouldn't we be too?

Inauguration is only days away now! Woohoo! Please turn this around B-Man!

924 days, 8 hrs, 22 mins, & 53 secs

2009-01-05T06:17:00.000-08:00

I get these cool little email reminders of how long ago I quit smoking. I love those reminders. They are a badge of honor to me. That I did something great for myself. That I left behind a lifestyle I thought I'd never kick.

I wonder what it will feel like when I can say the same about IF. I know a lot of girls say you are an IF-er for life and others say you can shed it and never look back. For me, I just look forward to being a mom and not just dreaming about being one. I look forward to saying it has been 1 year since my son or my daughter came into my life.
(This time also corresponds roughly to when I started TTC)

Hello 2009!

2009-01-01T01:16:00.000-08:00

Sweet Ashley had a post a few days ago that got me thinking. I love all my blogger buddies. I really do. And I am so happy for their success and sad when it doesn't work out but as time crawls on, many of you have launched into pregnancy and even parenting. Well I guess that happens when I have to wait 11 months to cycle again. Many of y'all got pregnant.

I am not a loner even if I don't have tons of friends. I just don't enjoy being alone. I annoy Special One all the time like when I call him from the shower to come in the bathroom and keep me company. Many of the pregnant gals have gotten a little quieter these days and I need to add noise to my cheerleading section. So, I will be on the lookout for some new blogger buddies on this side of the fence while I continue to cheer on those wonderful ladies that have enjoyed the sweet taste of success and are moving on in their pregnancies as planned or who are off caring for their precious children.

More importantly... In 2009, I plan to make bold moves towards motherhood. Stuff has to change. I just don't plan on being in this space too much longer if I can help it. And if that means saying goodbye to genetically linked children, then I am getting more and more accustomed to that idea. So be it. For this reason, I am excited to start this new year. Much more excited than I was last year.

Welcome 2009! And many good wishes to all of you out there.

Love,

A mother-to-one-day-be...

Until I have one...

2008-12-28T10:06:00.000-08:00

On Christmas eve, I had a chat with my 4 year old niece and I told her if she ever needed anything and she didn't know who to ask, she could come to me. Well she took it to mean something different.

Later when we were opening packages, her daddy (my DB) said, "Your aunt really spoils you, doesn't she?"

She responded loudly, "Yes, she will get me anything I want!" And everyone laughed at me and said she had me all figured out.

We got my 2 oldest nieces a bunch of gifts including Disney sleeping bags since they sleep over here and love sleepovers. They were screaming and jumping up and down. But I think I loved it more than they did!

And, I have two saying these days:

Until you have some [kids], you are one!

Until I have some, I'll spoil my nieces ROTTEN!

While I do take the second one very seriously, the first one is all about Special One and his love of Christmas cartoons, sleeping in, and kittens.

Oh I almost forgot to mention that Special One put up a stocking this year for our 5 frozen embabies. They've spent the last 18 days in Hotel CCRM while we send off their little polar castoffs for CGH testing. Isn't Special One the cutest!? He told me, "Well, everyone in the family should have a stocking!"

IVF Cycle 3 Details

2008-12-27T11:19:00.000-08:00

In reverse chronological order:

So we still have 5 embies on ice: (2-,3-,3-,4-+ 5-cell)
01/09: CGH lab had errors so tests failed. No results possible.
6-8 weeks wait for CGH results!
12/11: Two late ones were biopsied and frozen (4-cell, 5-cell)
12/10: 3 polar body biopsied for CGH and frozen day on 2 (2-cell, 3-cell, 3-cell) + surprise! 3 more matured in vitro but only 2 fertilized
CD 14: 4 mature, 4 fertilized
CD 13: 8 Eggs retrieved (12/08)
CD 11: Trigger - woah!
CD 10: Arrive in Denver
CD 5: Start stimming
CD 3: Start microdose lupron
CD 2: Monitoring
CD 1: Cycle starts TSH 0.74
10/23 - Take 2! TSH 1.89
8/22 - Cycle Cancelled - TSH 19.79
8/11 - Lupron + Dexamethasone
7/01 - E2: 30.9, LH: 3.51,
AMH:2.03, FSH: 6.6

Merry Christmas!!

2008-12-25T20:41:00.000-08:00

It has been 15 days since my embies went to deep freeze and the tests were sent off for genetic testing. I am glad to postpone any findings by a month. I am relaxed and letting myself hope there are normal babies in there for us.

I am really enjoying my holidays and time off with family. Special One and I have never been closer and this has been our 2nd best holiday together. The best was when Special One proposed to me 2 weeks before Christmas. He was so romantic that day. He even read me a poem and teared up. He is so sweet.

Christmas eve with my family was perfect. We had so much fun together and my nieces went wild for the Disney princess sleeping bags I got them. There was screaming and hollering and jumping in excitement. I got them so many gifts. I told their parents that until I have my own, these girls would get spoiled ROTTEN by me. I love every minute of it.

Today was spend with Special One's family. We drove three hours to get here and my sweetie snagged an internet card from work so I could stay connected during this little trip. All in all this holiday has been really great!

Here's to you and your special ones! Merry Christmas to all of you.

Better with Chocolate

2008-12-15T20:25:00.000-08:00

I am officially on vacay until January 5th! YAY! Yet somehow I still ended up working 8 hours today. I promise myself I won't work much during this break.

Last night was my mom's birthday. We'd celebrated days before but since I was going to try a new recipe for the first time for Pasta Bolognese (from Anne Burrell) and my second attempt at Poached Pears with Hot Chocolate Sauce, I wanted to test it out on a few people.

We had a great time and the food turned out great. I am so excited that I have these recipes all worked out. Next time, I'll add garlic bread and maybe some better parm.

The poached pears came out perfectly this time. Last time I forgot to core them and tried to do them whole since it is prettier. But this was much easier and came out perfectly. I think someone asked for the recipe before so here you go! I used decaf so we didn't stay up all night like last time. The world is better with chocolate!

Tomorrow I am sleeping in and then heading off to see my 4 year old neice's Irish dance class. When I called her last week from Colorado, she said, "Wanna come watch me win a trophy?" I can't wait!

Are we there yet? That ticker is my lifeline to my embies.

I'm A Nerd

2008-12-14T08:42:00.000-08:00

I am a nerd. I love to research things. I like to know how they work and I feel better when I have more info. I've been more factual than emotional in most of my latest posts and I've needed to be to handle the awesomeness and scariness of the cycle.

That said, I didn't really explain much about polar body biopsy since... well... I assume not many of you are interested. Then, this morning, I stumbled across this post from an RE describing the fertilization process and development into blastocysts. He goes and explains what a polar body is. So for those that like this kind of stuff (Arpee! Rebecca!), here you go.

Us plus 5!

2008-12-11T19:27:00.000-08:00

I got a call from the embryologist today with some more good news. Our 2 rescued embies made it overnight. And now they are our best looking day-2 embies!! So we have 5 embies on ice now. Only 6 more weeks until we find out if any of them are normal and ready for transfer. I put how many cells they are in my cycle details.

My mom called me every day of my cycle around lunchtime to get updates. But my daddy wanted to hear it from me so he called me every night after work for the details. When I told him we had 2 more embies, he blurted out, "Boy, you are fertile!" I laughed and said, "Well, Daddy that isn't how it works." and he said, "I take my highs where I can." What a goof he is.

So today, I asked Dr. Sch. to give us a call as a follow up to the cycle. Normally, we would talk after the results but I didn't want to wait. (surprise, surprise). In a nutshell, he said the endometrioma in my ovary was to blame for the low number of eggs compared to the antral follie count but that it didn't necessarily translate into low quality eggs. He is against taking action on the endometrioma unlike most other REs.

I asked about whether he would recommend a different protocol next time and he said that this one or maybe an estrogen primed antagonist cycle. I asked if we had one normal resulting embryo, whether we should go ahead and do another fresh and pool the normals. He said that would be a good idea.

Interesting enough, he didn't think we triggered all that early.

As we boarded the plane, we felt sad to leave our babies behind in Colorado...and now we wait. I have to admit that there is a large sense of relief in delaying and bad news. I wasn't ready to hear any. I could use a joyous holiday season.

I will leave you with a few pics from our day out at Red Rocks Park the day before trigger.

CCRM Day 5 - Going Home

2008-12-10T14:27:00.000-08:00

Our embryologist called at lunch today. It appears that one of the Fab Four arrested overnight so there are only 3 that were biopsied and frozen on day 2.

However, in better news, CCRM matured 3 more of my eggs overnight and 2 of those fertilized. So I should hear back tomorrow on those 2 embryos. Best case scenario, we'll have 5 frozen 2 dayers for testing. Worst case, we'll have 3.

Now the waiting begins. I need to update my ticker tomorrow when I get the final count.

I am in the airport right now waiting to board my flight back to Chicago. I'll be snuggling kitties in 5 hours and I can't wait to be home.

Three cheers for the lab at CCRM!

CCRM Day 4

2008-12-09T20:40:00.000-08:00

The last two days have been a whirlwind experience. We went in for our retrieval yesterday. Dr. Surrey did our retrieval and before we even started we knew we wouldn't get much. This cycle seems to have just gone too fast. Dr. Surrey said it looked like there were lots of immature ones in there.

The CCRM surgical staff is great. While they had some trouble getting the IV in, they were super nice and very pleasant the whole way through. They had little special touches such as warmed gowns and air-filled heated blanket. Everyone was a class act. It was the best care I got there.

When I woke up from retrieval and they told me they got 8 eggs. We were sent home and as a winter storm covered Denver in snow, I spent the better part of the day in a daze on the couch from the anesthesia.

This morning, we had to go in to see a genetic counselor. The embryologist caught up with us there and informed us that 4 eggs were mature and all four of them fertilized. They were able to mature one more egg today in the lab so they are going to try rescuing it and will let us know if it fertilized tomorrow. Until we know more, I'm gonna refer to these embies as the Fab Four!

However, since we needed 6 to do the advanced CGH testing on day 5 blasts, we didn't qualify. (That program has an 89% success rate by the way!). So instead they were offering a polar body CGH where they take the cell on day 1 (today), freeze the embie on day 1, and send that off for testing. That program has a 20% success rate but she said that is because the average age of the ladies in that program are 42. Still not very encouraging. The issue is that doing the biopsy today only gets the copy of my egg's genes that were discarded to make room for the copy from the sperm.

So now we are going to wait 6-8 weeks for the results, and if any are normal, we'll plan for a FET, thaw the day 1 embies and by day 3 transfer them back.

We heavily considered just waiting til day 3 on Thursday and transferring them all back but we were finally swayed because:

1. I don't want a beta so close to Christmas
2. I want to prep my body for a transfer and my protocol didn't include any transfer prep drugs.
3. The doc wanted to see what data we could gather from the testing.

Overall, for our age group gets about 70% abnormal embies. So that would mean that we could easily get 3 abnormals or even all four abnormals and we'd be out of luck and empty handed.

So I've added a ticker and now I guess I'll just try to enjoy the holidays and wish for the best.

Thank you so, so, so much for all of your support. I can't tell you how helpful it is to have so much positive energy in my life.

CCRM Day 2

2008-12-07T07:43:00.000-08:00

We are about to head off for some bloodwork. I've triggered so soon that DH and I haven't had time to get out IVF physical appt or DH's backup sample. We were supposed to have that genetic counselor meeting Tuesday too but that doesn't look likely anymore.

After our bloodwork we are off checkout Red Rocks. After a little exploration we are heading over to watch football and share a dinner with my friend Jen that I meant on the boards and her husband.

We are so lucky that it will get up to 60 today in Denver today. Off to play now.

Trek and Trigger

2008-12-06T21:41:00.000-08:00

So we are triggering tonight. In a few minutes, in fact. We are so surprised that our first full day here we are already being asked to trigger. At 7 tonight when I prepped all trigger shot supplies, I realized that my pharmacy only gave me 1/2 inch needle. I call CCRM and the on-call nurse met me at the clinic to get me the right size. She wasn't thrilled but in the end she was nice enough to do it and even gave me a hug.

So we went to 14100 ft at Pikes Peak today. We took the cog railway up the mountain and it was really fun. The ride is filled with history, humorous guides, and beautiful vistas. When we got to the top I was dizzy and felt funny from the altitude. My face was flush and I looked around to find that everyone else was all pink in the face and most of them just sitting inside the hut at the top. I realized that above 10K, I don't feel that great.

After that we went to the Garden of Gods, which is also in the Colorado Springs area. I'd seen and heard great things about this place from Lisa. It did not disappoint and with snow on the ground we even had a snowball fight.

CCRM Day 1

2008-12-06T07:42:00.000-08:00

So I went in to CCRM this morning and my follie scan wasn't as good. Not sure how that happens. They must measure differently. They counted less too. It looks like i have:

Left: 23, 22, 21, 12, 10, 10
Right: 21, 16, 12, 12

The nurse said it was a challenging call on what to do and they'll call us later. We might trigger tomorrow or maybe even tonight. We might not be here long afterall.

Off to Colorado Springs...

Wish me luck!

We've Arrived

2008-12-05T20:51:00.000-08:00

We landed in Denver!!! What a rush.

I am beyond excited to go to CCRM tomorrow morning. Especially after another BFP announcement today. Please go congratulate Jill on her long awaited positive.

So at my monitoring appt this morning, my old RE found a bunch of advanced follies.
Left: 22, 18, 18, 12, 11, 9
Right: 16, 16, 14, 14, 13, 11, 10; 9

They are keeping me on my same doses (20 units of lupron 2x day, 300 follistim and 2 vials of menopur) so I can only assume they are gonna let the big one go and focus on the middle ones. We'll see what they say in the morn.

After our monitoring appt tomorrow morning, we are going to head out Pikes Peak and Colorado Springs for the day. We want to see everything around the place we are conceiving our baby.

Has anyone else ever noticed that everyone here is sooooo nice. The people at the grocery store, toll booths, hotel, and anywhere we went. I am feeling good tonight.

Off 2 See The Wizard

2008-12-04T15:03:00.000-08:00

It has been a heck of a few days. I feel strung out.

First of all, I had a follow up call with Dr. Sher on Tuesday. He wants follow ups 20 days after the first call to see if any remaining questions. He is so cool. Seriously I like him a lot. When I told him that I have a 3 cm endometrioma in there, he said that all those eggs would be crap. And since that is in my only good ovary I started mentally melting pathetically into a mess on the floor. He was rather gloomy about this cycle. I've been trying to shake the feeling for a few days. He said if the cycle doesn't work that I should schedule a endometrioma drain/sclerotherapy in NYC with him and then a cycle with them. I guess my nationally known ovaries and uterus are itching to make it to the east coast.

Then today, I went in for my stims day 5 monitoring and my follies are big. I don't have many but I have some at 19 already. Shart. I am thinking i'll just be flying out to have dinner with Jen.

I am trying to stay positive or at least accept that it is out of my hands and to allow the chips to fall where they may.

I spent the day on the edge of my seat and unable to keep the cool I've had for the last 11 months. It is the cycle. An IVF has such a way of throwing you off your chair. Kinda like this one (too funny)

They finally called at 4 PM tonight to tell me that I am on track with close to 12 follies (not sure how many are 'in range') with an E2 of 764. So they want me to go in again tomorrow before I catch my flight to see if they need to tweak the meds Friday night. She said that I was her best news call today. I feel back for everyone else.

i never really get ally mcbeal type hallucinations except for my dark haired son that has come to me over the years. He came again today. I imagined him at the door of my office. He is always about 4-5. He was looking at me and needing a snuggle so I invited him on my lap and held him close to me. It is weird but neither DH nor I have dark hair.

I promised Peachy I'd try to stay positive. I will regain my composure now.

What's Going On In There?!

2008-12-02T07:19:00.000-08:00

I am freaking out with this new protocol I am on. I am already producing tons of ewcm and i am on day 3 of stims and no monitoring until Thursday. I am so freaked out. My old RE would check me every day. The EWCM means high estrogen right? eek. on Day 3 of my cycle I already had follies that about 10 mm. I am so freaking out.

Plus, I just read on CCRM's website that they've done the CGH thingie 33 times. THAT IS IT??? (Update: see here)

What have I gotten myself into?

Lovely Sunday

2008-11-30T12:28:00.000-08:00

I have officially started stimming today! Menopur for breakfast. Better yet, my brother baked his handmade croissants (takes 2 1/2 days to make). So I had breakfast with my nieces, brother, SIL, and my Dad. Delish!

Then I went to cost-co with them. It was my first time there. That place is HUGE!!!! I can't believe that place. I bought a few things.

It is snowing today in Chicago and I think I'll try to complete another 2-4 pages of scrapbooking. I swore I'd finish this album before the new year. I've done about 10 pages so far just on the engagement, showers, and pre-wedding brunch.

I just finished making some turkey soup for my lunch tomorrow. I am really trying to cram in the protein since we've all heard that protein makes good eggs.

We are taking my dad out tonight for chinese since Mom is still in France. We have to remember to get home in time for my evening shots.

The OK to Cycle

2008-11-29T11:00:00.000-08:00

So after much craziness, I got the OK to start my cycle. This is huge for me since I got cancelled at this point in Aug.

I started Lupron yesterday. I almost didn't make it since my large endometrioma on my right ovary has grown even larger. Dr. Sc gave the okay so here we go.

Part of me feels he's humoring me and i am done for. I've been really down. And I know that right when a cycle starts, it is not uncommon to get a little gloomy. I guess we'll wait and see.

So I've been doing the special lupron from their special Denver pharmacy for 1 1/2 days and my ovaries feel funny. Is that normal? Should just lupron give you a strange sensation?

On a funner note, my first time hosting Thanksgiving and making a bird was mostly a success. The brine did indeed make for a juicier bird. The temperature probe sensor said it reached the proper temp but when we carved the turkey, the part up against the bones seems undone. So, I'll have to try again and practice all year. We did read that it wasn't uncommon to have pinkness near the bone of young birds. I just got nervous so we avoided that part.

The sides and the company (my husband and Dad) were awesome. And we had a great time just the three of us. And even though we had already celebrated with a bigger group on Sunday, this still felt like a special Thanksgiving day.

We leave for Denver on Dec. 5th!

...Oh What A Relief It Is

2008-11-26T05:19:00.000-08:00

Yes, the alkaseltzer song came to my mind too! LOL.

AF came to town overnight so now I have to figure out how to get my Day 2 monitoring on Thanksgiving. Eek! The madness begins. If it isn't crazy, it isn't IVF.

I am nervous but I'll keep really busy making my own Thanksgiving meal. After work, I'll be brining and poaching. I am so excited to try these new techniques and I hope that will keep my mind VERY occupied.

This means we are leaving a week later than expected. I am okay with that. Glad we didn't reserve a thing in advance. I keep repeating the same line over and over again. "Keep your eye on the prize!"

AF is on Holiday

2008-11-24T11:11:00.000-08:00

Just like last time, no AF in sight. It is now day 33. Yep, I am one of those ladies who, when about to start a cycle, cannot get her otherwise regular period to start. I am 5 days later. (And yes, I tested.) Nothing. I would be stimming by now but instead I am doing nothing but wait.

Last time this happened (right before starting lupron last time, of course), i had the worst period ever. I hemorraged all over the place with enormous clots the size of golf balls. Makes me feel crazy like I am psychologically stopping myself or something.

We celebrated Thanksgiving yesterday since we were supposed to be Denver Thursday. The food was awesome and my neices were dressed like little Indians. They were SO CUTE. My brother and his wife had little pilgram outfits for themselves. They always have perfect pictures. I brought my tripod and taught the girls how to focus and take pictures.

So now that I'll be here for the actual thanksgiving, I've decided that I am going to make my own thanksgiving meal for DH and my Dad. Mom is off to France tomorrow. So I will make my first ever turkey. I'll make the regulars such as mashed potatoes and stuffing but since we just had it all yesterday, I will change up the rest.

I am thinking of making a warm french green bean and new potato salad with a yogurt garlic vinaigrette as well as cauliflower in a spicy bechamel with pancetta. For dessert, we are making poached pears with chocolate sauce (Poire Belle Helene).

A Ramble

2008-11-21T05:18:00.000-08:00

So here I still wait for AF to come to town. It's day 30 of my cycle and nothing yet. I've got lots of AF signs but this Megastar is off bugging someone else right now. Once she shows, I can start my schedule and start planning my trip. Doesn't she know that?

Once She Shows:

CD1: Call Nurse to finalize dates, get orders, consents

CD2: Ultrasound/blood at local RE. If all is ok, book travel to Denver

CD3: Start Lupron and dexamethasone

Last night was my monthly Resolve meeting. I had fun as usual and I also found out another buddy I met originally on the forum might be going out to CCRM and she might have her one-day workup while I am there. Yay!

Well, Friday is also my grocery night. Not very exciting, huh? Special One likes to buy a cake for himself (1/4 sheet cake) every single Friday. It is his weekly treat so have to go Fridays. I am hoping there isn't a mob for Thanksgiving but I think that is unavoidable now.

We are celebrating on Sunday this year since I thought I'd be in Denver on Thursday. My mom offered to do it early for me and SIL was happy to do it. So we'll be doing the whole shebang Sunday and I am going to be cooking more this year. Gotta help mom out, right?

Update: SPecial One wanted me to share this photo with you. How about that cigarette?

If not now, then when?

2008-11-20T08:22:00.000-08:00

As for me, no sign of AF today yet. Looks like today won't be the day 1 afterall as I was hoping.

I am taking the day off work so I can get an eye exam, a vet exam for my kitty (poor kitty), a thyroid blooddraw, and a hair cut and color.

Wish me luck!

I do have something fun to look forward to. My monthly resolve meeting. There are a number of great girls that attend. I am really looking forward to it.

Please Don't Be Late

2008-11-17T17:34:00.000-08:00

We were so close to starting our cycle in Aug and then after a week of lupron we got cancelled. But before that, my period was a week late which really threw off our planning.
I am scheduled to get AF on Thursday but what if she's a week late again or something.

We still haven't reserved a hotel, plane, or car for our time there. We'll just wing it if we get lucky and get the OK to travel to Denver.

Argh! I know... I know... relax, right?

Christmas is coming...

2008-11-15T14:20:00.000-08:00

Today's been a pretty good day. I spent the morning having coffee with a friend. 3 hours slipped by before either of us checked our watches. It was so nice to have some girl time.

Special One and I spent the entire afternoon putting lights on our trees out front. I put 1300 lights onto our crabapple tree alone. It took me 3 hours. I think I'll be cursing myself when it is negative -20 degrees and I am pulling them down strand by strand but for now they are just bea-u-ti-ful!

I have only one gift left to buy and my Christmas shopping is done. YAY! I am getting into the spirit of things. This year Christmas is overshadowing my favorite holiday since we'll be gone early December. Special One is crazy for Christmas and wants it all perfect and ready for when we get back from Denver!

I have already addressed 6 of my Christmas cards too. I love to drop them in the mail just after Thanksgiving so that they arrive on Dec. 1st. That reminds me that I need to put up my card ribbons. Here's a pic of how I did it last year but we had some overflow. It is going to be so exciting to come home from Denver and open up all kinds of Christmas cards and letters.

Do you all display all your Christmas cards? How do you do it?

You take the good, you...

2008-11-11T10:52:00.000-08:00

You take the good. You take the bad. You take them both and there you have the 'Facts of Life', the 'Facts of Life'...

So on my way to work I saw a young mother struggling with her 3 year old on the escalator in the train station. The kid wasn't acting out but her mom was visibly annoyed. She wanted the child to come to the side. And instead of picking her up or calling to her, she grabbed the child's hanging coat hood and essentially dragged the kid by its neck over to her.

That really frickin' annoyed me. Now, I have no problem with parents in general. I see families and it doesn't annoy me or anything. But when I saw the stupid, young mom who isn't mature enough to parent well, it made my blood boil. I wanted to friggin' scream out how unfair IF is. Why does SHE get a child when she is so obviously unprepared? Why can't I? I was really taken aback by the emotions that overcame me. @#@%$ (*%#)_ %*!

Then I wandered into Starbucks and ordered a Gingerbread Latte (YUM!). When I went to pay, my credit card was denied. For the first time in my life, it was denied. I was sooooo embarrassed. I've always paid my credit card in full each month!

Then I remembered that I had to split a charge of $18,000 on my and my hubbie's credit card. Yikes! What for, you ask? CCRM. Yeah. Turns out CGH adds $5000 to your bill and CCRM makes you pay everything in full up front.

So I maxed out my card. So now i have to run to the back this afternoon and then send out a check ASAP. I use plastic for everything. I better borrow cash from Special One this afternoon. I am meeting a friend for drinks and appetizers in 4 hours without a credit card!

But in awesome news, I checked our corporate time system this week and discovered that I have 13 days of vacation left and 3 sick days. How awesome is that? I am expecting my company to allow me to work part time in Denver so that means I can recover in peace over Christmas and chill out while I wait for my CGH results. I may actually even have time to make my wedding photo album. That's been on the to-do list for over 2 years.

It's Beginning to Look A Lot Like Cycling

2008-11-09T20:15:00.000-08:00

So I've spent some time this weekend working through the potential outcomes of the CGH. I think I forgot to ask a lot of questions to the Dr about CGH. What happens to the abnormal ones? What could they possibly find? So much to think about... If you've had experience with CGH or PGD, can you share what info you get from your doctor and what happens to the 'abnormal' ones?

Since we'll be gone soon, I've been busy shopping for all my Christmas gifts and planning our outdoor lighting. It was so much fun to set up the backyard lights today with a windchill of 26 degrees. There is so much joy in this time of year. I hope we can do all sorts of Christmas things during our trip out in Denver.

I can't wait to get into this cycle. Woo hoo! I've been waiting since January 29th to cycle again. S'about time, huh?

Please help me congratulate Christi, the latest CCRM winner: http://frenchfamilyjourney.blogspot.com/2008/11/i-am-another-ccrm-success-story-bfp.html

New Protocol for CCRM

2008-11-07T14:28:00.000-08:00

So I spoke with Dr. Schoolcraft yesterday. We talked about why he switched us to long lupron after having first told us that microdose was for us. He said he was pleasantly surprised that we had good AMH, good FSH, and so-so/decent antral follicle count during our one day work up. So he thought we should do long lupron. But he wasn't totally wedded to the idea either. He also thought that a bcp/microdose lupron could also be of interest.

I asked whether CGH was a good fit for us since a lot of women here in blogland are trying it. He said it was still new but the advantage is that we would learn whether our problem is abnormal embryos. In that way, we wouldn't waste time in the future if we have bad embryos. He added that DNA fragmentation could also contribute negatively to embryo health. (Remember however, that Dr. Coulam said the effect of embryo breakdown isn't seen until day 8 long after transfer has occurred.) He also recommended a cocktail of vitamins for male fertility.

He also said that women with endometriosis can benefit, in theory, with taking time between stims and transfer (through a FET) to calm the system after having driving up the estrogen so high. SO that is another plus for going the CGH route.

Lastly, he also said that if we go the CGH route, then we should use the microdose lupron flare protocol but I was unable to understand why one protocol was better than the other. He also said that we can skip BCPs during microdose if we are not transferring. He said progesterone levels are inconsequential if a transfer isn't taking place.

Unlike Dr. Sher, he said CGH is interesting regardless of the number of embryos. He said that especially after 2 failed cycles, gaining the data/knowledge about the level of embryo abnormality is valuable in making decisions on whether donor is recommended.

I mentioned that we had lots of immature eggs during the last retrieval and asked if we might want to coast at the end. He said that was a possibility.

I was really uncomfortable that he was kinda wishy washy about which direction to choose.

So after a talk with my husband, we've decided we'll go for the CGH. This means we switch protocol to microdose lupron and hope for the best. I am nervous, really nervous. Yet strangely calm. I have no way of predicting the outcome of this whole process so maybe it is time for me to relax a bit and let him do his job.

Now You Say IVIg??

2008-11-05T16:44:00.000-08:00

This post is another fact-filled doozy.

Today I had a follow-up appt with a reproductive immunologist in the Chicago area, Dr. Coulam. She was running some labs for me to check for natural killer cells, embryotoxicity, AMH and thrombophilia. They also checked Special One for thrombophilia and sperm DNA fragmentation.

Almost everything came back normal, normal, normal. Can't hear that one enough! My NK cells were in the normal range. No embryo toxicity. My protein S came back fine. That just really confirms that the lab results I got back from Repromedix were full of errors. Additionally my antiphospholipid antibodies were even normal (compared to the low positive i got from repromedix). She didn't have the thrombophilia panel back for me so we'll have to hear what that shows next week. And my AMH showed decent ovarian reserve. YAY!

Special One did not fare as well. He had low sperm concentration and I can't remember this being an issue in the past. Worse yet, the DNA fragmentation test (SDIA) of his sperm were not stellar. They found the sperm to have 35% DNA fragmentation, which put the sample in the low to poor fertility potential. Special One was not happy. Poor guy. They did recommend putting him on supplements. The thing is that he has been on supplements for a year. We hope that the formula ($250 for 3 months) helps somewhat and can make some improvement before our cycle next month. He was also found to have 2 copies of the MTHFR mutation meaning he doesn't metabolize folic acid well so we'll be adding some of that to the regimen as well.

Dr. Coulam said that since we don't have the natural killer cells, intralipids would not be of help to us. And that IVIg is preferable for people without natural killer cells but that might still have activated t-cells. Antithyroglobulin antibodies are correlated with activated t-cells in the endometrium. I'll have to check back with Sher to compare notes on that assessment.

Yes, there are risks to IVIg. It is a blood product so it is possible for HIV and hepatitis B/C to be in there but there hasn't been HIV since 1982 in a blood product and no hepatitis since 1993 or something. She said, however... that whatever diseases we don't know about yet nor screen for, might be in the product. That is really scary. If the month later they report they've discovered a Hepatitis R or X, that could be in the infusion I got. Barf. Apparently there can be all sorts of side effects too. She said to make sure I stay very hydrated, tylenol, benadryl. She anticipated that the infusion would cost around $1000 and the medicine would cost $3800. WOWZA!

Apparently the first dose should be after the 5th day of stims so I'd already be in Colorado. She said she'd be happy to oversee the IVIg while we cycle with CCRM. Since we would need to administer the IVIg before transfer, we need to find someone to do the infusion... possibly in Denver. The nurse said she'd help us work with an infusion service to coordinate the IVIg. Sounds kinda scary, doesn't it?

This leaves me much to think about. Luckily I have a phone call with my doctor at CCRM tomorrow morning.

I am an info gatherer. I'd rather be a mom.

The Audacity of Hope

2008-11-04T20:36:00.000-08:00

Woo to the Hoo! I am so happy!

Don't you just feel all warm and fuzzy?

Dare to dream. I am full of inspiration and confidence.

psst. is it just me, or was McCain's speech really moving?

I'm all verklempt.

That One is coming on next.

Must stay up.

Back to CNN.

Later!

Please stop in and have a glass of champagne or sparkling cider for the lucky ones. Join me in the comments.

Intralipids / IVIg / CGH (and more)

2008-11-04T08:48:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, we met with Dr. Sher from SIRM to discuss what he thinks we should be doing. Overall, he told us that due to my advanced endometriosis and the antithyroglobulin antibodies, he was sure we had natural killer cell activity (and T-cell) that needs to be taken care of for us to get pregnant. Essentially, he said the soil needs improving. He thinks I may have been getting pregnant over and over but immediately losing the pregnancy due to this NK activity. Luckily, I have already had the natural killer tests but am waiting on the results this week to confirm Dr. Sher's prediction.

He has been a proponent of IVIg for a while now but said that he has recently (this week) changed his mind. He told us that we are the first people he's told about how he is now going to be doing intralipids primarily. He is informing his staff this week. Intralipids isn't new, but his switch to them is. The newest findings show that the use of intravenous intralipids has a much better pregnancy outcome than the use of IVIg. Additionally, intralipids are about 1/10th the cost and are not human blood products so no risk of HIV/Hepatitis infection. Intralipids are administered 10 days prior to transfer and again after a positive beta. The effects of intralipids last 6 weeks. Intralipids are given through IV in about 2 hours. (I'd already been looking into intralipids thanks to Rebecca.)

Dr. Sher was very focused on the seed and soil analogy. He, like CCRM, is a big proponent of staggered IVF using CGH. In this way, you can identify the abnormal embryos. Additionally by staggering transfer, your body is first tuned for egg production. Then after retrieval, the embryos are vitrified and CGH testing is performed. Meanwhile, you can rest and prepare your body for the perfect soil. He says they are better at CGH (independant lab) since they've been doing it longer and have a different method (with rapid PCR) than what CCRM offers (Assay). I am sure CCRM thinks they have a better method. So Dr. Sher says that if I have at least 5 day-three embryos with 6-9 cells that going for the staggered FET after CGH is preferred. In that case, he would never transfer more than 2 CGH'ed embryos since they are most likely to result in a live birth. (I wish!) If less than 5 embies, direct transfer of remaining blasts on day 5 during the IVF cycle. We could cycle in Las Vegas or NYC (he and his lab travel between the two places). You go for 6 days for retrieval and then come back for transfer another month for another couple of days.

He said we'd had almost all of the testing he recommends besides the Alpha DQ matching tests. We may decide to check into that.

For us, he recommended a protocol I've never heard of. Agonist Antagonist Conversion protocol where you start with BCPs and Lupron but then switch over to a low dose of Ganirelix during the stimulation phase (Follistim) of the cycle. Additionally since my estrogen was always so low and I had no risk of OHSS, he recommended estrogen priming to 'prepare my FSH receptors'.

He recommends that I take BCPs with my next cycle along with lupron. He added baby aspirin while taking the pill to protect from clotting. The BCPs lower the LH level and keep the follicles in a 'holding pattern' until stim time.

He is not a proponent of bed rest nor does he counsel against flying after transfer.

He really didn't like how my old RE handled me (always increasing and increasing my stims so high after starting lower). And for the record, neither did we.

In conclusion, we still think we'll cycle with CCRM but we are really interested in combining our cycle with Intralipids or IVIg. Now we'll meet with a local RE/Reproductive Immunologist to decide if she can administer this and if she also recommends it.

Nieces Are The Next Best Thing

2008-11-03T06:17:00.000-08:00

My little nieces slept over on Saturday night. Well 2 of them did. The 2 year old (Lily) and the 4 year old (Annie). We had SO MUCH FUN! We ordered pizza for dinner, then we had a tea party with real water, then we colored, then we watched the new Tinkberbell movie. DH could not resist buying the movie for them. He just had to have it. It was so cute. Then we danced for a while and then we put them to bed. We read books in bed with songs.

After I put them down for bed, I listened to them on the monitor and I swear siblings are the best thing on earth. Then Lily started to want her mommy once she was in bed. And Annie gently comforted her for 20 minutes about how Mommy was away for the weekend and how she would be home soon. She did it until her sister fell asleep. It was so sweet. I love those girls so much.

The time change didn't work to our advantage since they were up at five none the wiser to daylight savings. We got up and Special One made us all crepes with nutella. Then we watched part of Tinkerbell again while we colored in pictures of Tinkerbell I found on the Internet. Since we still have some time, I dressed them up and took them on a walk to find pretty leaves. The weather was PERFECT in Chicago!

When we stepped outside, Annie saw that my neighbor had a sign in his yard and she started yelling, "Obama!! Obama!!" A lady walking down the block looked over and I smiled and said, "No coaching, I promise!" Annie was all excited and started counting Obama signs in people's yards. When Annie pointed out the one McCain sign we spotted along the way, her little sister Lily started crying about it. Annie told her that it was all ok because there was only one John McCain sign and 5 Obama ones. That seems to calm her down. What goofs!

Good grief! What has my brother taught these girls!? Apparently it is such a problem that their mom has to tell Annie to stop asking everyone who they are voting for all the time and to remind her that she isn't the one voting. And when I asked Annie what issues meant the most to her in this election and why she likes Barack, she tilted her head, scrunched her nose, and started talking about something else. It was funny.

All in all, it was an AWESOME weekend. We had so much fun. I am bummed it had to end. I was sad to say bye to the girls and have their laughter leave my house.

Happy Halloween

2008-11-01T08:07:00.000-07:00

Halloween is a great holiday in that it is all about having fun. We took it easy this year and just wanted to be there for the kiddos. We rushed home early since our town only allows trick-or-treating from 3p - 7p.

The girls are so gentle when they come. They say please and thank you. The boys, on the the other hand, barked at us and grabbed candy by the handfuls and never made eye contact. Funny how different they are, even when little.

Special one is so gung-ho about pumpkin carving. He does it every year. He downloads a design from the internet. Puts it next to him on the floor and looks at it and them recreates them on his pumpkin by scaling it to the size of his pumpkin. He does a great job and he gets compliments from the treaters that stop by. They aren't state fair competition but he does a great job. Halloween is his second favorite holiday.

I, on the other hand, am not as crazy about Halloween. I think it is fun and all but basically it is for kids and people with kids, in my book. But I do love pumpkin seeds and answering the door and seeing the cutest kids ever. I was so happy to get my hands on the seeds after Special One carved his pumpkins. I love coming up with new spice mixtures to roast them in. Love it!

Best of all... Tonight my two oldest neices. The 2 and 4 year old I posted pics of last week. They are coming over for a sleepover tonight! Special One couldn't resist and bought them a copy of the new Tinkerbell movie. I can't wait til we can all hang out tonight together and to know that I have 2 kiddies under my roof. :-)

Chubby's Cute on Babies

2008-10-30T12:53:00.000-07:00

The good news is that I got back into the gym after not having gone since end of July. The better news is that I was still able to run 1.5 miles which I was happy with since i've been very very inactive.

The bad news is that after working out last night, I got on the scale and was horrified to see that I had regained every pound but one. For long time readers, you know I worked out like crazy doing 'team skinnies' this spring. But now I've gained it all back.

The worst news is that now that I am prepping to cycle again, I am not supposed to lose weight or make drastic changes. Boooooo. :-(

I should have seen it coming. I put on my workout gear and my belly was totally sticking out. I called my husband over and the first thing he said was, "Change shirts!". I tried on another one but my belly was just totally popped out. I was thinking that maybe there is some truth to eating all this wheat and getting very bloated. Special One popped into the bathroom and I said, "Look how bloated I am!" and he responded, "You aren't bloated."

I can see that he's clearly right after stepping on the scale at the gym. How did I let this happen? After I hit Publish Post, I'll need to go and delete my weightloss ticker. DANG IT!

In cycle news, I am on the doxycycline and waiting for day 22 to see if they'll OK me to start Lupron.

Many Good Things

2008-10-25T16:03:00.000-07:00

My cycle started on 10/23! I started my new thyroid med, called CCRM with my good news and they sent me back my official calendar! Click images to see!

My friends got the green light for the adoption of their second child. This time this precious addition is coming from Tiawan. They've started to prepare for his/her arrival by creating a 100 good wishes quilt. I'm sending my pieces this week. One of our cats (Hobbes) just had to get his nose into everything. See...

Today was our local Halloween walk. I'm sick of missing all of these fun events so I invited my neices and they brought their parents and we went trick or treating through town. It was SO MUCH FUN! See...

Cycle 3 ~ Take 2

2008-10-23T09:36:00.000-07:00

So my thyroid labs came back yesterday and my endocrinologist wants to up my meds again. However, in good news my TSH was back down to 1.87 and my antibodies had gone down to 485 or so. I asked if he'd okay me to cycle again and they said I could try but they want me to come back for another bloodtest in 4 weeks on the new dose. So I've emailed my new CC RM nurse, Helen, and I hope to hear back if I can cycle before December!

In other news, I spent a fabulous weekend in Dallas with two IF buddies. The weather was perfect, the girls were great, the shopping was wonderful... all was great except for the huge cold that overtook me. Upon my return, I spent three days at home nursing myself to health. Even today I still feel pretty sick. Guess I had to get it all out of the way before I cycle next month.

Could this really be happening? Another cycle! YAY!

When Risk Was Fun

2008-10-14T05:39:00.000-07:00

My brother in law lives just under 3 hours from us out in the country. Since my parents in law came to visit them, we drove up to see them on Sunday. The morning drive was spectacular with fields of harvest corn and trees showing off their changing leaves like proud peacocks. We spent the day visiting with Special One's amazing and adorable 86 year old grandma and his parents, and we got to watch our nephew's football game.

We all grabbed dinner at a local pizzeria and as night started to fall, we got on the road. Special One has back problems so I now drive one or two legs of the journey. I wanted the first one since it was getting dark and I don't fancy night driving.

As we headed on out to the highway, I could feel my anxiety building. Out in the country the highway doesn't have lights and I really don't like not seeing what's ahead. You'd think with IF, I'd be used to being in the dark. I would have to shake my hands out every so often because I was gripping the steering wheel so tightly.

I got to thinking about how I used to drive like a madwoman all the time, recklessly and fearlessly. I loved the open road, my stick shift, my accelerator pedal, and feel of the steering wheel in my hand. You know, back when risk was fun.

But here I was now, trembling when I passed a truck or got near the slightest curve in the road. Luckily, I still feel comfortable on suburban streets and I do still love aggressive city driving downtown Chicago. But out here on this open, dark road, I was petrified. We were only 10 minutes out on the road so far but I was thinking hard. I asked Special One to turn off the music so I could concentrate on the road.

So as I drove I was wondering what made me this way now. Am I so jaded and negative that I expect bad things to happen at anytime? And thinking about how maybe I spend too much time focused on the negative and wondering if I bring bad things upon myself. You know, "The Secret". Or maybe I am just a pessimist that can't handle stress and for whom risk is no longer a thrill but instead risk is an acid that eats away at my personal strength. What has happened to me?

And then... there it was. A deer bounding into the road at the tip of my headlights. And then another one jumped out! In a panic my mind races. Were there more deer in dark off to my left? I couldn't see. Would the deer stop in the road!?! Will we crash into them?! I screamed my husband's name and then a big, slow, "Noooooooooooooo!" as if I had the power to stop it through denial or rejection.

And just as fast as they'd appeared, the deer had crossed the road and were already engulfed in darkness of the fields that lined the interstate. I was still driving but my body was shaking. My heart was pounding out of my chest.

Special One urged me to pull over and he took the wheel and drove the whole way home. I was left thinking the same things with IF. Every time I think I am being too hard or negative about my journey or a doctor and that I should trust more, something happens and I feel justified to be in my hypervigilant state.

"Could I have made those deer appear?" I asked Special One. He said, "It was a good thing you were so focused on the road because I didn't see the deer when you did. And honey, you didn't hit them. We're fine now."

Can anyone relate to this loss of confidence that things work out? Hypervigilence? Expecting the other shoe to drop? I mean, I've been trying to cycle since January and something is always getting in my way.

Finally, A Step!

2008-10-08T08:52:00.000-07:00

DH and I had some talks and we are going to try to super speed into our next cycle. Not sure exactly what we'll do but we will do everything as quickly as possible. So I made an appt and yesterday I went to a local office of Dr. Coulam (a reproductive immunologist) to get some bloodwork sent to the Millenova lab in Chicago. We are testing APAs and Protein S again as well as the Natural Killer cells and Embryo toxicity to see if there is anything that might be prohibiting embryo implantation. I should have those results back in 2 weeks.

By then, I should have my thyroid results back after 6 weeks on this new dose. While the fatigue has improved, I am still tired and foggy, which makes me think that fiddling with this thyroid medication is not a complete solution.

I am hoping that these results will help me decide if I need the best lab (CCRM) or a special protocol for autoimmune patients (IVF w/ IVIg or Intralipids). Maybe I'll even combine the two. Dr. Schoolcraft wants no part of the nonstandard IVF add-ons such as IVIg. However, I don't think he is opposed to patients doing it "on the side". There might be an issue with logistics (being in Colorado and Illinois simultaneously, for example) but that is ultimately up to me to deal with.

Why do they let people who suck at taking blood do it? Have you ever let a clinic know that their phlebotomist isn't up to par? Yesterday when I had my blood taken, I told the lady that I get woozy if someone verbalizes what they are doing to my arm or if they announce problems getting the vein or whatever. She said she understood but as she tried to get the blood, she started saying how it wasn't working and I asked her to please stop. I felt fine but I've passed out several times during blooddraws over the years. So, for their comfort, they made me lay down on an exam table for the second attempt. Well, she poked a new hole and again couldn't get anything and started commenting again. I politely said, "Please don't do that." At this point, she asked Leslie to come in and as we waited she added, "We've called the women who is really good at this. By the way, I heard you say when to the humane society. Well I just got into school to be a vet so I'm leaving soon. I just need to do something I care about." Then the 'good' one came in and drew the blood quickly and easily. Why in the heck wasn't the best person drawing my blood to begin with? And why do they have someone in there who dislikes her job!

On another note, I am really excited about the fact that I've had more and more opportunities to meet my IF buddies IRL. It's been a fantastic experience for me. And 10 days from now, I am meeting up with two forum friends in Dallas for all girls weekend of fine dining, pedicures, cooking classes and margaritas! I am so excited. WOOHOO!

I'm Stuck

2008-10-05T06:30:00.000-07:00

I'm stuck in an ugly place. I am not sure what to do about cycling. My last cycle was in January. My old RE made me wait 6 months to 'rest my ovaries'. Phooey. And then I signed up with CCRM, which took a few months since I had to do special tests and get ready to travel. And then my thyroid blew up! Well the TSH skyrocketed anyway.

So here I am. 10 long cycle-less months. With my endometriosis, thyroiditis (high antithyroglobulin antibodies), and low responding, aging eggs...

Did you know that CCRM thinks that as long as your TSH is under 3, you are good to go? That is contrary to the widely, accepted 1-2 range. There are a number of docs that think that if you have these antibodies, that this means there is an underlying immune issue and that pregnancy is unlikely. CCRM doesn't believe in that. In fact, a large number of REs don't believe that. But others think you need IVIg.

IVIg scares me since it is a blood product that shuts down the immune response to allow the embryo to implant without being attacked. But IVIg could, in theory, contain blood born infections such as Hep B, C, or HIV like any blood transfusion could. And whenever I think about something alternative or undertake any alternative IF treatment, the following tune pops into my head "What would you do-ooh-ohh for a Klondike bar?"

In several weeks I should be getting my TSH retested. And if my TSH is in range, DH wants plow ahead and go straight for CCRM immediately. His reasoning, "If we don't cycle, we can't get pregnant." I feel a lot of guilt here. My endo. My thyroid. My body. Failing me. But the fact that it is failing him is really starting to get to me. I feel like shit about it.

It has been hard for me to write here. Partly because of my schedule and workload but also because of my lack of clarity of what comes next. I thought it was hard to manage when I didn't know when I'd have a baby. Now I don't even know when I can try to have a baby. This is getting out of control. Ha, that makes me laugh. Getting? This has been out of control for 2 years now.

So I'm stuck waiting for my TSH to come into range and stabilize. And I am stuck on whether I should try IVIg. So I guess while I am waiting for my TSH, I'll contact a few doctors that do IVIg. Anyone hear anything about Coulam (Chicago) or Sher (Las Vegas, NYC)?

Two weeks ago, my dad asked me if it was time for me to get donor eggs and a surrogate so we could move on to having a baby. He has no idea how much it hurts to hear him casually cut me and my body out of the whole process. My dad is all about results and efficiency. I understand that he was just trying to get me what he thinks I want. I am not ready to give up yet. I love my daddy and I am grateful that he wants to fix things for his daughter. But ouch.

Goodbye Summer

2008-09-29T19:57:00.000-07:00

Hello! Hello!

It's been about 2 weeks but I just couldn't let September leave us without stopping in again. I've been busier than I've ever been at work. I can hardly keep up and haven't had the energy to be any closer to the PC than necessary! I'm hoping this will all settle soon.

I don't want to dump out all the details so here's a little summary of the last two weeks: my TSH is going down (followup bloodwork in 3 wks), the double wedding was a ton of fun, our home painting projects are all finished, and we travelled to Fort Lauderlade for a long weekend.

Summer is over and the cold has already made it to Chicago. It is time to snuggle up with your honey and get back to blogging while he watches football.
Missed you all! I have about 120 posts to catch up!

Mariage Pluvieux

2008-09-13T06:27:00.000-07:00

It's been raining here non-stop since yesterday. We have 3 inches already since midnight at it is only 9 am. It is warm and muggy and WET! Special One and I have a very busy day planned. We have 2 weddings today. Both are really expecting us there and have expressed displeasure with the fact that we need to share time. Have you seen 27 Dresses? It is kinda like that but without Maid of Honor duties this time.

My Day:
10.00 AM - Leave for hair. Gotta look pretty for the wedding. What should I do?
..................With the humidity, I doubt it will stay pretty for long.
11.45 AM - Come home, do make up, put on pretty dress. (Same style but shorter)
12.30 PM - Leave for endocrinologist. Hoping for some info on my antibodies.
..................If they're running late, we'll be late to Wedding A. eek!
02.15 PM - Arrive at church for Wedding A.
04.00 PM - Drive 15 minutes home for a pitstop.
04.30 PM - Drive to Chicago for Wedding B to a spot where parking is impossible.
05.30 PM - Wedding B starts with reception in the same place. Grab cocktail.
..................Start congratulating. Be seen by main people. Run out the back door!
07.00 PM - Jump in car and speed back to Wedding A's outdoor reception.
..................Doing our best not to crash in the rain and not to disappoint!
08.00 PM - Slip into dinner seats 30 min. late. Grab cocktail. Start having fun.
..................Dance. Enjoy knowing a dry comfy home is next.

Usually, you'd think that people wouldn't really care if you are late. I mean, we are just guests. come on. If you discreetly slip in and out, no problem right? Well no. This double engagement has caused quite a stir and we were told by both parties that they think their wedding is more important. Weird and self important but whatever. Wedding A is where we want to be. Wedding B has two sets of guests that are close, close friends we never see. One from Paris and one set from Washington D.C. My parents are doing a similar dance today but staying for dinner at the second reception and returning to the first for dancing. I hope it is at least as much fun as it is a hassle.

As they say in France, Mariage pluvieux, mariage heureux. It is supposed to be good luck when it rains on your wedding day. I am sure the brides would prefer a few sprinkles over this deluge.

TSH Down!

2008-09-09T07:32:00.000-07:00

I got my thyroid results today and I am pleased to report that my TSH went from 19.79 down to 3.09. Sounds good but I still don't know what caused the jump.

However, my antithyroglobulin antibodies are continuing to rise. They were in the 800s and are now at 1565. That indicates that I have antibodies that are increasing in numbers and attacking my thyroid. Studies are now showing that these antibodies are responsible for recurrent implantation failure. I now wonder if CCRM is the place for me, or if need a clinic that is open to IVIg.

The nurse wasn't going to report back since I have my appt on Saturday but she knew I was stressed out about it. She was so nice. She offered no interpretation and just said the Doc would discuss with me this weekend. SO we'll have to see what he says. In the meantime, I am still exhausted. Let's hope for the best.

In my best T.V. voice: "Will it ever end? Will she get pregnant? Tune in next time for more from... ... ... Days of Just Wives".

If you have any tips about antithyroglobulin antibodies or IVIg, please let me know.

I really need a nap.

Inspiration

2008-09-08T06:01:00.000-07:00

Good morning! I was waiting for my computer to finish installing something so I wandered over to a blog or two. When I got to Just Me's blog, she had posted a youtube video from the big televised cancer event this weekend. It is a beautiful song about strength and survival. I think it is inspirational and fits all challenges. I wanted to share with this with those who also find strength and inspiration in music and lyrics. We can all use more inspiration and strength.

Secret confession: I cry a little bit every day.

Anna?

2008-09-08T05:27:00.000-07:00

Hi Anna, You've be a regular commenter for a while and a very sweet one. I just don't know how to get to your blog or how you found me. It feels funny not to be able to chat back with you. Just giving a little shout out.

10 Good Reasons

2008-09-06T10:24:00.000-07:00

There are at least 10 Good Reasons on why my cancelled cycle wasn't all bad...

I'll take time to nurse my thyroid to health (follow up appt next weekend).
I avoided the Democratic National Convention hoopla in Denver.
I enjoyed Labor Day cocktails last weekend and will enjoy them even more at the two upcoming weddings!
I can paint the would be nursery neutral and strip the garage door without fear of chemicals affecting my embies.
I can fit into a MUCH cuter dress for the upcoming double wedding instead of trying to hide my PIO paunch.
I was here to see my cousin that I never see since I stayed in town!
I can enjoy Starbucks coffee again.
I can focus on buying a house and negotiations without additional stress.
I can work my butt off at work for the upcoming huge deadlines instead of not getting as much done from Denver on bed rest or whatever and being totally stressed about it.
I skipped a cycle that would have inevitably failed (TSH and progesterone issues) thereby saving my 2 final insurance-paid cycles for my babies.

'Cause The Pope Said So

2008-08-30T11:43:00.000-07:00

I've been M.I.A. and lurking lately. I've been feeling a little out of sorts with my cycle cancellation after waiting 8 months to cycle again. I'll bounce back soon. The timing of a HUGE project deadline couldn't be better now. And honestly, I would have been stressed in Denver trying to get all of this work done. I've been working 12 hour days.

Since I am not preggo, we are taking this weekend to do a lot of work we'll need before putting our house on the market. Today we are painting the would-be nursery to a nice neutral beige. We hope we'll find a new house soon and be moved in by Christmas. So we need to do all the stinky dirty mess now while we can still open windows. Tomorrow we finish this room and then tackle our garage door that is covered in cracked paint dating back to 1945.

DH has been taking care of me like I was a special package lately. He has been so sweet and gentle. He takes care of everything around the house and just says sweet words to me.

We aren't Catholic but Monday he dreamt that he met the Pope who told him that he should not worry because he would soon have lots of kids running around his home. It is a sweet dream. And as he recounted the dream to me his eyes became glassy and watery and his lower lip trembled.

I have a lot of blogs to catch up on! Hope to find you all pregnant and happy!

(Go Barack!)

So Now What?

2008-08-25T18:08:00.000-07:00

I have no idea what happened with my thyroid. And I have no idea if it will be any better with a dose of 0.50 of Unithroid (double what I had before). I have no idea what cause this surge. So I have no idea when I'll be cleared to cycle or if I have a serious thyroid problem. And I have no idea if I start taking all the Lupron and BCPs if it will happen again. I have never had so little clarity. I am so very tired all the time. I want my groove back. I feel like I don't even have the energy to work out.

I can barely stand myself these days. I feel like such pathetic case. I want to apologize about how negative this all sounds.

12 days til I get my thyroid tested again.

Buyer Beware

2008-08-24T20:10:00.000-07:00

Special One and I have been taking the weekend really easy. He spent most of the day neck deep in his fantasy football draft. We are heading over to my mom's for dinner. We are hosting but my sister in law prefers my mom's house. LOL so we will bring our food there.

We also went to visit some houses for a second visit today. We were 15 minutes late to one of the places and the guy who owns it went crazy on us. First of all he thought we'd be there 30 minutes early than we thought (making us 45 minutes late in his eyes). He doesn't live there. He buys houses and tries to resell for an immediate profit.

Anyhow... Secondly, my agent didn't have her cell phone on her so she didn't know they were waiting and we were just touring the other house slowly while they were getting pissed off. I guess this seller likes to park out front and watch the people tour his house. And his agent has to follow you from room to room while you look around. Weirdo!

So anyhow. When we showed up, they refused to show us the house. The dude was parked out front and just sat there in his car. Finally, my agent knocked on his window. He was furious with her. He said he'd sent the realtor home 15 minutes before and that he was angry since he missed out on his family time and church. Are you kidding me? Then why was he waiting there still. Why didn't he leave and go home? He just waited there to essentially let us know he felt disrespected. I am annoyed since we had no idea we were behind or that my agent had left her phone in her car. So oh well on that place.

I really hope things work out with my thyroid. I really, really, really, really wanna be a mom. I want to be pregnant and give birth.

A New Day

2008-08-23T08:36:00.000-07:00

Thanks for your support, girls. I can't tell you how much I appreciate all the comments and support. It makes a huge difference.

I need to wrap my head around the fact that after waiting 8 months for my RE to let me cycle again (he said I needed my ovaries to rest. kinda why I switched REs), I was cancelled before I could even get to CCRM. And I need to wrap my head around the fact that my thyroid wasn't just elevated, it is completely on the moon. I am still scared about that number. It isn't ok to have it that elevated.

So in hopes of bringing this strangely high number down, I have stopped taking:

Lupron and Dexamethasone. I have no idea if they are the cause.
Herbs from my acupuncturist. She assures me they were not the cause.
Royal jelly and bee pollen. Who knows if that is the cause.

In two weeks I go back to have my thyroid tested. In the meantime, my regular thyroid meds have been doubled to 0.50 of Unithroid.

In other bad news, the house we were bidding on fell through. They just wouldn't come down the final 10K to make the deal happen. So we will keep looking. Maybe it was God's way of saving me from extra bedrooms I can't yet fill.

In other good news, my blogger/forum buddy Christine gave birth this week to her daughter, Aedyn Satori. Go wish her and the baby well!

Today is a new day. I am not feeling like myself yet but I started this new day by sleeping in til 9.30. First time in 4 months that I've slept in. And that was nice. DH rubbed my back for 10 minutes. Now I am going to make myself French toast and cherries. And I have a pedicure scheduled at 4pm.

Oh, and if you want to help support more support, look here. A quick vote from you can help bring infertility support groups to every state in the U.S.! Please nominate "Bringing Hope, Building Families" so it can be in the running to receive funding and make this project a reality.

Even Worse - WTF

2008-08-22T07:39:00.000-07:00

So I just got a call from CCRM. I had asked that they check my thyroid. I know I am a little over cautious because I had it checked a month ago and it came back around 0.85. I've been tired. I mean, really tired since I started Lupron. So I decided on a hunch to ask CCRM to check my thyroid when they did my suppression check.

She just called. My TSH is 19.79. WTF? How could that be? Why now? Where did this come from?

Could Lupron do this to me? For the last 10 years, I've never gone over 3. My cycle is definately getting cancelled. More importantly though... is something really wrong with me? I am scared. I need to call my endocrinologist.

IVF's Lolo Jones

2008-08-21T15:34:00.000-07:00

Tonight I feel like Lolo Jones. Lolo was the world season leader who stumbled over the penultimate hurdle while leading the Olympic women's 100m hurdles final on Tuesday, thereby losing her gold medal and not placing at all. I do. I feel like I was going for the gold. I was ready. I was focused. And after 2 weeks of shots, I was off to start stims. And on this suppression check hurdle, my body also came between me and victory.

After the race, she said, "Today is hard. Tomorrow will be harder. I just have to get myself back up." And so do I but I just need some time. Unlike Lolo, at least I won't have to wait 4 years to try again as my husband reminded me.

Could I really be in a better place on Monday? Or are we pretending this could still offer my best chances for success.

I am going to my resolve monthly support meeting. I am not sure I will be bringing my best self there. I might be more of a taker than a giver tonight. I hope someone brings chocolate.

Squashed and Crushed

2008-08-21T13:55:00.000-07:00

I am so, so, so, so crushed. My bloodwork shows that my progesterone is too high to start cycling. Damn damn damn!

Now I have to go back on Monday for another progesterone check instead of the folly count I was supposed to have. If it is still high, we get cancelled. If back low, we can cycle. When pressured, the nurse said 2/3 end up cancelled. There goes everything.

In any case, we do not pass Go. We DO NOT leave Tuesday. We lose our deposit on the rental $300. Our non refundable plane tix. Must go cancel car rental, airline tickets, rental, acupuncture appointments... And figure out how to tell my boss I won't be needing the time out of town just yet.

Why is this happening? Why can I not catch a fucking break? Why am I being tested to this degree!? Why?

Suppression Check 1 - 2

2008-08-21T06:56:00.000-07:00

I had my suppression check this morning. Now I have to wait for my blood test results to come back. I have to admit that I am a bit nervous now. I haven't started stimming, but I had one follie already at 10 mm. Was I not suppressed enough? And my stupid fat endometrioma grew half a centimeter in diameter to 3 cm. She likes to eat all of my stim drugs instead of sharing with follies around her. I guess when my local clinic gets the blood results they'll fax them to CCRM and from there I'll get to hear if I get the green light to start stimming. EEK!

On a nicer note, my RE I was seeing before did the ultrasound and he was so sweet to me. I felt like a bit of a traitor but he was really nice. He hugged me and said how good Colorado group was. He knows Dr. Surrey personally (even though that isn't my RE at CCRM). It made the appointment all the more comfortable. He is a true gentleman. What I need, though, is a kick arse RE. He did say that his new machine shows pregnancies really well and to hurry on back from Colorado pregnant so we could look at it together.

So now I wait to hear if I can cycle for real.

Matronly Pole Dancing

2008-08-19T18:40:00.000-07:00

I didn't know whether to expect AF while on Lupron but she arrived yesterday. On time and everything this time. 2 more days until my suppression check. I can't wait to get cleared for my cycle.

Now I don't remember if I mentioned it before but I was asked to be the matron of honor by a 26 year old girl for whom I used to babysit. I was kinda like her big sister. She's a wild girl. Well she was. She partied very, very hard for a few years and ended up a cocaine addict for a while. After 2 stints in rehab, she really cleaned herself up and met a guy in Narc. Anon and now they are getting married. They both come from HUGE Italian families. 200 of the people invited are family.

When she asked me to be her MoH, I felt I had to say yes. I love her to pieces but we are 9 years apart and very, very, very different. She's a young dark sultry Italian and 5'2" as are her 10, yes T-E-N, other bridesmaids, while I am 5'11" 35 year old married lady trying to desperately make her family. I feel honored she'd pick me but at the same time I feel unable to commit to being there for her. Well I can definately be there in some way or another. It is just I have no visibility for myself and committing to be somewhere for someone next summer just seems so strange to me.

The wedding is next July and I better be a mom or pregnant by then. I told her that I would totally understand if she changed her mind and wanted someone younger but she insisted it be me. She isn't very understanding of IF and I don't expect her to be there. I've always cared for her and she just doesn't know how to be there for me. I just don't know how to handle this. I mean... once I am pregnant, I don't want to worry about this stuff. Maybe I can back out once i get my BFP in a few weeks. I think I got myself in a pickle. It took a lot to get her to wait until after I got back from Colorado to choose bridesmaids dresses.

At her engagement brunch last weekend, she announced to everyone, "J's (that's me) hosting my bachelorette party and we're going to a place that gives pole dancing lessons, get mani/pedis, and have cocktails."

Everyone looked at me like I had planned it and Special One practically spit out his drink trying to stop himself from laughing at me. Oh my goodness... I smiled nervously and said something so people would know I didn't pick the place. (Alicia, you'll have to give me tips on the pole dancing). I hope they don't all end up on the corner looking like this picture. With me, hugely pregnant holding their hair back. Haaaa!!!

This is a gonna be a crazy year.

Getting Excited (Help with Internet)

2008-08-17T08:20:00.000-07:00

Hey everyone! I am getting so excited about my upcoming trip to Denver. Special One is so stressed out about it but I think we will make the best of the situation. Thursday is our suppression check. I sure hope it's a go!

I need some help figuring out how you get internet on the road. Sure we'll have internet in our room but it isn't wireless and we have two computers. But DH and I need to work. Does any one recommend a way of getting internet on your laptop on the go? We only need service for a month and we need decent connection speeds.

Oh and here is the pic of the dress Christine asked for from our date last night! (It was taken at a marvelously flattering angle. I must learn to look like that as I walk around in real life) We had such a sweet romantic date and my food was fantastic.

I'm off to a bridal shower and then an engagement party! I'll take those over a baby shower any day!

Hot Date

2008-08-16T12:40:00.000-07:00

Well now, I am happy to say I've escaped the BCPs making me a total psycho! Yay! No bad moods AT ALL! I took my last pill last night and we have a smooth sail into the suppression check this Thursday. And (knock on wood) I still have yet to have any of those headaches or hot flashes from the Lupron. Double Yay!

Since Special One and I never got to go out for our anniversary dinner, we are going tonight to a local semi-fahhhncy restaurant. I plan to wear my new green dress before I can never fit into it again. Giggle. I hope I still fit into it tonight since these new bewbies and belly weren't here when I bought it last month. I have a back up dress but I really wanted to wear this one.

After my 9 am acupuncture appointment, we spent the rest of the day doing yard work we've neglected for the last month. We were hoping to buy a house this week but seems like the sellers still won't accept a reasonable offer. Oh well, we still need to get this house in order before we leave for 2 weeks to Denver.

I'm off to relax a little with Special One before our date tonight.

Tagged!

2008-08-15T19:56:00.000-07:00

Yay! I was tagged. Double tagged, no less. I was tagged by Shelby and G.

6 Random Things About Me:

1. SpecialOne and I have been looking for a new home since we got married two years ago. It isn't like we don't have a lovely home. It is in a great suburb with safe streets and great schools. It is just that I haven't ever felt the right family energy here. We just can't seem to settle on a home. We have gone up and down in price ranges and we just haven't found the house for us. I've always had a feeling that we'd get a house when we got pregnant. That somehow, they were unexplicably linked. We put an offer on a house yesterday. We'll see what happens!

2. I was 5'10" as a freshman in highschool. It was an awkward size and being about 6 inches taller than any guys made dating a little weird. However, by senior year was spent deeply in love with my shorter boyfriend. We are all the same height laying down. Hee hee.

3. I loved scrapbooking for over a year. I made album after album after album. Then when we got married, I got everything together and NEVER made another album. My wedding stuff is just sitting there. I have it on my to-do list every weekend and I never do anything about it. Who wants to come over and scrap with me?

4. When I was 8, my mom started shipping me to France with my 6 year old brother. Our parents would drive us to Chicago from Detroit and put us in the plane by ourselves. We'd play until we landed in Reykjavik, Iceland for a short layover. My little brother and I would play video games and get back on the plane. We'd then land in Luxembourg and hope our grandparents found us at the airport. If you recall that in the 80s we had all those hijackings. My mom would tell us to speak French on the plane so that people didn't know we were Americans. My mom has never been scared about keeping us safe.

5. I quit smoking just over 2 years ago and I discovered 3 surprises. 1) I don't have dry hair and skin like I thought I did. 2) Smoking didn't help me deal with anxiety, it increased it. I have never been more relaxed than since I quit (including during the IF time). 3) I like chocolate. Weird because I never liked it before. Now I can't get enough.

6. My mom is a tom boy and never taught me anything about being feminine. It took until I was 23 for me to get a professional haircut. I started painting my toes at 31. And I started using eye shadow at 33. I could still use a 6 month immersion course at a finishing school. :-)

Tag, you're it!

1. Christine at Aedyn Satori
2. H at New Mom in the City
3. Jill at Desperately Seeking Spawn
4. Davila at Planet Davila
5. Bee Cee at Definition of Insanity
6. Duck at Speculum Stories

The Rules:
1. Link to the person who tagged you
2. Post the rules to your blog
3. Write 6 random things about myself
4. Tag 6 people at the end of your post and link to them
5. Let each person you have tagged know by leaving a comment on their blog.
6. Let the tagger know when your entry is posted.

Priceless

2008-08-15T05:08:00.000-07:00

Last night I had dinner with a friend who used to work with me. She's awesome and I love hanging out with her. My friend doesn't plan on having children but we do talk about our furbaby kitties. Do we sound like old maids? LOL. Nahhhh. We just love our furbabies so much. She asked a bunch of girls to go see one of the final performances of Wicked in October. I don't personally know 2 of the girls going but I do know this:

Dinner/Drinks: $40
Wicked Tickets: $48
Spending an evening downtown Chicago
with childless women my age: PRICELESS

My hope? Well, you guessed it. Is that I'll have my child or children growing inside when I go to the show.

Anyhow...I couldn't stay out late since I needed to get home for my Lupron shot. We got to chatting so much that I missed my train. I had to negotiate with DH so that he'd drive into the city to come pick me up so I could get home faster.

So far so good on the meds. Just a little emotional ups and downs and monster pimples on Day 4 of Lupron. My last BCP is tonight. One week til stims. Time's flying now.

When I got back home, I found a huge package waiting for me from Christine. It was stuffed full of cycle goodies. 3 books for me (including inspirational IF stories and What to Expect When You're Expecting), 3 golden pee sticks, a whole bunch of Bath and Body Works products, some tea light elephants, and a little tiny book for my husband to read in utero to our children. Is it the cutest thing in the world? Rumor has it that Christine's hubby reads this to Aedyn (due next week) in utero every night. I started to tremble when I had What to Expect in my house. Having the book scared the be-jeezus out of me. Could it be true? Could I be expecting so soon? Can I afford to dream? I can't believe all of the treats I got. I was SPOILED rotten! THANK YOU CHRISTINE!!!

Friends that get it, that care,
and that pick you up right
when you need it: also PRICELESS

Back in Business

2008-08-13T20:52:00.000-07:00

I feel funny not having written in over a week. It feel s like I haven't lived up to my end of the bargain with the blogoverse. I missed everyone. I've spent the last two days getting caught up on 104 blog entries. Wow, you guys are busy!

I had an awesome vacay but I'm back at work now. In good news, I was moved to my very own office during vacation. I do have a huge project going on and I need to make massive progress before leaving for Denver to cycle. Although I do miss sitting next to my buddy, this new quiet workspace could not have come at a better time.

I am on day 3 of Lupron. Besides the vein DH must of hit on Tuesday and the ensueing purple mark on my belly, so far I've gotten away without any nasty side effects. DH was thrilled and first to notice that after a week on BCPs, my chest has reinflated itself. I've moved back into my IVF bras. Yes, I had to buy new DD bras just for when I am cycling.

But by today, I am starting to get some side effects. BCPs has cultivated 3 monster pimples on my face. There is no hiding these puppies. (They are almost the size of small dogs. LOL.) Up until today, I've felt emotionally quiet almost like I started holding my breath with my first Lu.p ron shot but not to nutty.

But tonight on the couch, I started crying for no reason. And I couldn't stop the whiny, blubbery noises coming out of me. And out of nowhere I needed cereal with really cold milk. Since we don't eat that, we had none of it at home. But DH insisted he get right up and go to the grocery store to get me some. I was still sad as he drove away to the store but Christine called me right at that moment and she cheered me up. Then I was all happy. I couldn't remember what I wanted so he called me from the grocery store to read every option to me until I picked. I went for the Frosted Mini Wheats. And when my lovie came home and I got the taste of my sweet cold cereal, I was was on cloud 9. Hang on, sisters. My emotional rollercoaster seems to have left the station.
Has anyone gotten cramps from lupron? I feel like I have cramps. I've never taken Lu.pr on before. 18 more shots of that drug.

Hello from Isle of Palms

2008-08-05T12:10:00.000-07:00

Hi there! I am having the best time on vacation. I so needed this before I cycle in a few weeks. We've been enjoying the pool, the beach, the gaggle of little girls. My Parisian cousins are with us and the husband does all the cooking. Our family dinners have been fantastic. The weather is great and the views are amazing. I am in no rush to get back to the daily grind or the stress of cycling.

I just played my very first 9 holes of golf today. And boy, do I suck! I think my 10 lessons were lost on me. I am so glad my SIL came with us. She just rode in the cart and chatted with me. Since I don't know the etiquette, she told me when to tip, when to speed up, and which club to use. And let me know that spaghetti strapped tank tops were not permitted. Who knew? Since I was slowing the group down, I would stop playing a hole if I miss too many times. Eventually the course ambassador came to ask us to skip a hole so we didn't hold anyone else up. Despite my apparent lack of talent, I had a great time.

Back to the lounge chair for me... where did I leave my glass of wine?

VACAY TIME!!!

2008-08-03T07:33:00.000-07:00

I'm off to South Carolina for a week and I am really hoping my brother brought his laptop. I don't think I'd make it a week without the blogosphere.

So AF came to town on Friday and she is evil this month. Looks like those extra days just gave her extra power. And since I start my birth control tonight, I am hoping that will kick her azz to the curb and fast. After all, I have some beach time ahead of me.

I'll miss you! Good luck to all of you who are cycling right now!

Game On!

2008-08-01T12:17:00.000-07:00

So I ran down at lunch to get a bikini wax for my beach trip Sunday. After the wax, I went to get the August train pass and in the train station, I just felt she'd arrived. And in the train bathroom, my only wish this week came true. AF had arrived. So I wrote into my nurse and here is the lovely note I got back.

Yay! I’m so happy it has arrived! I will update the calendar and email you that. Your schedule will still hold and you would start the BCPs on Sunday.
Take care, Amanda, IVF RN

Now, I guarantee you I am 100 times happier about this than she is but the sentiment is much appreciated. I feel so relieved. As I type, sweet waves of cramps wash over me and for the first time, I am happy to have them. The worse of this should be done by Tuesday. That leaves 5 days of mostly normal beach time. Yay Indeed!